Who Am I?

This is one of my favorite pictures, taken late in the fall on the Russell Scenic Parkway in the mountains of north Georgia. Like me, it is beautiful but damaged, living, surviving, creating, and renewing of life.

Like the insect torn petals, my soul was torn at the age of 17 when as a senior in high school, I was sexually abused by the new youth pastor of my church. Thirty-four years later I still bear the scars of this abuse.

Pastoral sexual abuse references and websites can now be found on the web and in a few books; but when I was desperately looking for others to identify with, others to tell me that my life could improve, others who had already cut through the ice of the Arctic waters for me to follow, there was little if any support. When I believed I was the only one, no one talked of such issues. As I broke the ice to barge forward in my healing, so I choose now to break the ice of silence and share my journey in the hope that others will benefit.

I am a learner. I am not a psychologist or psychiatrist or someone with all the answers, but I do know Someone who has the answers, Someone who has been faithful to lead me through the jagged ice and warm my soul along the way. I also know several faithful professionals who sat with me on the freezing ice bergs or encouraged me to keep my head above the chilling water for one more moment. Both have believed in me when I could not believe in myself - or them.

What I share in later posts will be my journey - past and present. It isn't and can't be someone else's journey but I hope others will find comfort in knowing they are not alone.

My own healing has taken 20 years and is not finished yet. The damage began at 17 and ended when I learned to stop blaming myself and believing that self despite could keep me safe from what raged inside. What others did TO me was defiling and very wrong, but the deepest damage I did to my own soul as self hatred grew inside of me. The deepest healing came as I learned to break free of the words of shame and substitute the words of truth.

So if you would care to join me, whether in the role of a fellow survivor, an encourager, or just someone curious; you are welcome to come along.

Blessings out there to the blogging world - I can't wait to meet you.

Di

Why am I remaining anonymous?

This has been a hard decision, whether to publish my full name or remain anonymous. It seems imperative that such a blog maintain a level of integrity and honesty and safety. Anonymity seems to challenge that idea of honesty and adds a secretiveness to a place in which light should shine into all the cracks and corners. For this reason I would choose openness.

However, by profession I teach kids, kids who are ever curious and ever searching. Kids who know that Google has access to everything and everyone. Kids who in the past have typed in my name to find my school website. Kids who I care about.

Can you imagine the difficulty of explaining all this to a 12 year old? Do you know how quickly the rumor mill runs? Can you imagine having to discuss this in a principal's office with parents concerned about their child being taught by someone once abused? If you are a teacher, I am sure you can imagine it.

In the end, for now, this has been the deciding factor. I will remain anonymous. But let me reassure the reader that in this anonymity is no shame or desire to hide from truth or you. I stand fully in the light of truth and of the God of my beliefs. I remain anonymous to protect my students and myself. If you need past this anonymity, just leave me your email and I will email you. In time this may necessarily change and if God thus leads then I will trust to his protection. In the meantime.......blessings,