You Won't Believe This

I am sitting here with my friend, Sandy, who has also experienced abuse at the hands of a youth minister. Living far out of state, she flew in on Friday and we have spent the last two days getting to know each other.

Sandy and I are the same young age of 52, both came to know Jesus at the same age of 14, were both molested the same year, 1972, both have 2 children the same ages, and have both been married the same number of years. Sandy's birthday is the same as my son's, and my birthday is the same as her daughter's. My anniversary is her sister's birthday. We both studied to be nurses and no longer work as a nurse. We both play at the game of golf.

Both Sandy and I reported our abuser during our late 40's and we both still deal with the implications and affects of the abuse. Both abusers maintain good standing with the region in which they were licensed, though they are now retired.

Our hearts are similar. Having both forgiven, we seek to prevent further abuse at the hands of our abuser and others. We look for ways to strengthen and improve policies concerning pastoral sexual abuse.

We have both dealt with regional ministers in our efforts - Sandy having talked to members of the general (national) church counsel as well. We have both been heard but experienced frustration over the lack of response. Due to the time that had elapsed in both of our cases, both ministers were allowed to continue in ministry, albeit with monitoring.

Should passage of time diminish the consequences? Is it possible to be safe after living years of your life as a predator? Should a denomination risk the lives of those entrusted to their care? Neither one of these men could be hired as an educator, counselor, or therapist. Yet, the church hires them to be the spiritual guide for God's flock.

These men deserve all the love and grace God gives to all of us, but they deserve that love and grace sitting in the third row of the church, not standing in the pulpit.

Sandy's experience with the regional minister was more disturbing than mine. Unlike my report, hers was substantiated by witnesses, by the birth of a child of his next victim, and by his subsequent removal from ministry. Three years later, following a year and a half of therapy, he was reinstated to the ministry. When he left that state, his files remained in the region where he was disciplined and were never transfered to the new region.

When contacted by Sandy, the new regional minister was unaware of any detail of her abuser's past, only that he had at one time been disciplined. He did not feel it was important to know any details but chose to trust the other region's reinstatement. Thus, a known predator had been allowed to pastor a congregation for 13 years with no one there being aware of his past.

Sandy found this unacceptable and intended to write the elders of the church. After seeing the letter she had written, the regional minister responded in a letter with these words: "....I have doubts that sending the letter, like the one you drafted, will bring you healing. Instead, I would be afraid that the damage to people's faith, the damage to their sense of security and relationships, the damage to their ability to trust, and the collapse of their spiritual dreams would weigh upon your spirit. If you were to send such a letter, you would know in your heart that you may have single handedly (emphasis mine) vetoed the experience of God's grace for many, many people. That to me would be quite a load to carry. I believe it would create new wounds for you."

Sandy responded: "You said that if I were to send the letter to the officers of the church 'it would weigh upon my spirit.' On the contrary, failing to send the letter will result in everlasting regret if anyone is ever again the victim of (minister's name) despicable misconduct. I was a victim because those who knew (of his prior misconduct) failed to protect me."

Needless to say, Sandy notified the elders.

The very thing this regional minister suggested Sandy would do to a congregation by sending a letter, had already been done to her. To seemingly manipulate her in such a way was horrendous.

This weekend we have used the "s" word a lot. While shaking our heads in disbelief the word "stupid" had leaked from our lips excessively! Why is it that church leadership fails time and again to remove ministers from their positions, only to allow them to prey again upon the unsuspecting? The regional minister's head in the sand mentality would truly be laughable if it were not so painful.

Cataracts

Years ago before my mom had cataract surgery, I took her shopping for a dress to wear to a wedding. She picked out a lovely one but I was surprised to see it was purple - a color she seldom wore. I had a feeling she was not seeing it clearly and pointed out to her that purple was an unusual color for her to choose. Being my loving but stubborn mother, she insisted it was navy blue! I calmly told her it was purple. Finally she asked the sales clerk just in order to prove me wrong. It was purple!

Like my mom and the purple dress, I see the church and pastors through damaged lenses. Time after time, I find myself struggling to know the truth in the present because the past distorts it.

In reading the regional ministers late reply to my requests I experienced the same. My first response was to only see his "no's" and his wishy washy political efforts to pat me on the back and send me on my way. Then I reread it and thought surely I was completely mistaken the first time and went into a state of feeling shamed by my reaction. This man sounds so gentle and kind. Then finally I read it a third time and was just flat confused because both are evident.

I somehow expect that the truth is somehow a mismash of all of the above.

Though I had sworn that I would not reply to his email I gave it one more swing this morning. I don't know if I am simply stubborn like my mom, hearing the voice of God, being a fool, or all of these options. I have chosen to risk once more.

The regional minister promised to give my typed suggestions to the task force. This sounds encouraging on the surface, however I have specifically asked for the opportunity to do so myself. I asked this time to be able to trim down and organize my thoughts and remove any reference to Bob, and to include a letter to the task force. In it, I will personally make my case for speaking to them myself. I also asked if he is planning to encourage them to allow me the opportunity to speak. If he chooses the wishy washy on that, I will know he does not.

I also offered him an education on dealing with victims and enlightened him on the pain and damage his waiting so long to answer my questions had caused. I asked him to consider that and to answer me in a timely manner.

No answer this time will speak loudly. I have confronted him in truth but without angst over the power he carries to wound or heal. If he does not choose to heal then I will know his true heart. We will see. Only time will tell.

The Christian Church (Disciples of Christ) Failed to Protect Me

As of this evening, I feel no need to protect the denomination of which my perpetrator was a part. I have received a well written and seeminly caring response from the regional minister but I am discouraged with his answers.

It began when they certified a predator to be my pastor when I was 17 and he abused me.

Then they did not follow procedure when I reported him 7 years ago.

Once I realized that fact this past August and asked to be given the answers to several questions, the regional minister put me off for 5 months and then finally tonight told me he could not answer my questions. I am grateful to finally hear something but angry that it took 5 months.

Finally, last August I requested to speak to the ministry commission to be told "No, but a task force was being appointed and my request to speak would be presented to them as soon as they met." There was much positive to hope for in that statement, though it would ultimately be the decision of the task force. I felt with the support of the regional minister they would choose to hear me. Now I hear a much watered down statement as to my being able to speak. The regional minister cannot offer me any assurity that this will happen.

I am angry and wrestle to hold on to the truth that this is not a statement about my value. I am sad that the denomination of the church I have been attending is no more concerned for a sheep than this shows. I am also determined to not be silenced.

How do we force the church to take its head out of the sand? Do we have to suck the sand away so they have nothing in which to bury it? Will God send a wave to wash the sand from around their heads? Am I part of that wave?

I so wanted to find a voice in a setting that would cause no damage to anyone but could make an impression that could bring a positive change for the future. Once again the church disappoints me.

Revision of Clergy Misconduct Policy

It seems that the church is going to review the misconduct policy. I received an email from the regional minister two days ago and the ministry commission followed his counsel to appoint a task force to review the misconduct policy. He tells me that I will be invited to share with this task force once it is functioning.

Emotions are strange things. I wish I could tell you that I am jumping up and down with joy. It would seem I have a reason to rejoice. Instead, I have felt sad and numb for the past two days. Too sad and too numb to write the post.

Reg's response was brief. He left several questions unanswered and several revelations unresponded to.

I talked with Tom about the reply and expressed my ambivalence. I think he is frustrated with me. He wants to defend Reg and does so, until I argue with him a while. He seems to trust Reg but I do not. God spoke to my heart that I could trust Tom. Before I ever talked with him, I knew he was part of my healing. I do not trust Reg. That doesn't mean he is not trustworthy but while I have faith that God has placed Tom in my life for good, I am not in the least bit sure of that with Reg.

Here is Reg's reply:

I wanted to just quickly respond that I got your letter. Even as you wrote it I suspect you knew that I would not agree with everything in it. Thankfully, I believe that agreeing with a person is not the criteria for care concern and compassion towards another person. We are called to love each other regardless of agreement so I want to extend to you my expression again of my concern and care for you.
This past weekend, the Regional board acted upon the recommendation I made that a task force be appointed to work on reviewing and updating our procedures for response to Sexual Misconduct by clergy. Because the Ministry Commission has such an incredible workload, we felt it would get things accomplished quicker if we appointed a separate panel. That panel is being appointed and as soon as they begin meeting we will find an opportunity for your input to them.
I can’t predict the time line right now, but wanted to let you know that we are serious about responding to the issues you have raised and want to do so in a timely fashion.

May God continue to bless you

Reg

I have no clue what he disagrees with. Perhaps I will ask him.

Di

The Power of a Golf Ball

Amazing thing, recreation is. I have taken up golf again and found it to be just what I need to get my mind and focus off of the stresses and anxieties of pastoral abuse and work as well. Nothing is quite like hitting that golf ball to release the tension and to give me a sense of accomplishment - when it goes somewhere near to where I intend. Oh heck, even when it lands in the creek, I enjoy it.

Teaching is hard. People think that teachers get this lovely 2 months or more off every summer. Well, in reality, teachers work those hours during the other 10 months. I still haven't gotten everything caught up from the start of school. Getting there but not there yet. Stress builds.

I have been reasonably at peace waiting these two weeks for Reg's reply to my letter. I talked to Tom this morning and he is expecting a positive reply and thinks, but is not sure, I will receive more than I am expecting. He has obviously been on the phone with Reg, but I did not ask too many details. Of course that makes my mind leap off in all sort of directions. My hope is to be asked to participate in a task force to strengthen the pastoral misconduct policy. Even better, I hope to hear that Tom himself is going to chair it. Now that would be a slice of heaven.

I went out to the driving range this afternoon and hit 75 golf balls and spent the rest of the afternoon and evening grading 600 papers to keep my mind off of it. Obviously the 75 golf balls did me the most good.

My talk with Tom this morning was just a casual one. I had requested it after I mailed the letter and this is the first time we could arrange our schedules. I have been ok so I didn't have much to talk about, but I didn't want to throw away the opportunity to just relate. Each time I talk with Tom, I come away with more healing. Piece by piece and bit by bit I find it. I also find an inner strength inside that I did not have when I began this blog. I am growing through this adventure and learning how to stand up for what is right. My view of myself is more secure and confident. My trust of my abilities grows.

In all of this I honor God's work. How appropriate and miraculous that the healing I am now receiving is coming through the heart of another pastor in the same denomination. It isn't just Tom though, it is the church. The church as a whole knows nothing of my past journey and I plan to keep it that way. They however have given me much of what I need, unconditional love and acceptance and a place to grow.

I will let all of you know when I hear from Reg. In the meantime I ask for your prayers. A less than positive response will not be easy to receive.

Reply Ready to Fly

My reply to Reg is finally written and will soon be in the mail. I have been waiting on my pastor, Tom's, input and he was out of town. When I saw him at church yesterday, he gave his go, said I did not need a letter from him to accompany mine because he had already done some behind the scenes work. He expects my letter to be received well.

As to what behind the scenes work Tom has done, I am trusting him and his heart. He seemed hesitant to fill me in on the details and I didn't push. If Tom won't tell me, it is usually because he is protecting someone else's confidence as I would want him to protect mine.

My husband wrote a letter to accompany mine, advocating for my voice to be heard. I will include it in a later post.

The highlights of my letter include a response to his "acceptance" of the differences in mine and Bob's story:

You are right that we both probably believe our own statement is true and that this should lead to a great deal of discomfort on the part of the hearer. However only one rendition is true and your statement that this must simply be accepted is completely unacceptable to me.

Much of my proposal is based on the premise that the discrepancies in our testimonies are reason for many red flags. It is a fact that few victims lie. It is also a fact, actually stated in the Church’s present policy, that many accused do lie. What is not stated and is even more disturbing is the fact that perpetrators exist who can so compartmentalize their memories that they display complete denial of the truth. With a denial of truth comes an inability to find repentance or internal change. Looking toward the future, this type of discrepancy must be dealt with, and the many ways I proposed dealing with it need to be heard, wrestled with, and done so by the whole commission.

In another paragraph I address the shocking revelation that the current file contains my agreement to the monitoring of Bob that was to occur:

Your statement that the file contains my approval of the monitoring process was shocking and grievous. I was unaware that I had held any voice or right to agree or disagree with this setup. I was unaware that my reticent and weak “ok” was being viewed as an official statement of agreement with the decision. No one sat down with me, as I now know the policy states, and I was not informed in the conversation that my agreement was being sought. Instead in an unannounced phone conversation from Tom Neal, I was informed that some type of monitoring would occur but was denied further information as to the form or extent of the monitoring. I remember Tom Neal repeating his statement and my feeling a sense of pressure from him to give some statement of agreement. I reluctantly and half heartedly gave an “ok”. I believe the exact words to his question of my agreement was “I guess,” not exactly a resounding agreement. Tom’s pressure now seems one more use of a pastor’s power to get what they need at my expense. This realization that my approval was sought in a less than forthright way is disturbing.

I also wrote a heartfelt appeal to Reg's evident decision that my voice not be heard by the state ministerial committee.

In the first and last paragraph, you state: “I assure you that your concerns will be presented to the Ministry Commission when they get going on revising the documents for ministry,” and “Again I assure you that I will make sure your input is received.” These statements appear to be a response to my request to present my own suggestions to the ministry commission. I am not content with your response. I have the unique ability to explain the needs of the victim from an experiential perspective. Though I appreciate your willingness to try, you, nor anyone else, can share with the passion or illumination that originates in my experience.

I have decided that in some way, my voice will be heard by the leadership of the Church. My desire is that this would happen in a similar setting and atmosphere as my conversation with you occurred. I desire to sit down and work with the Commission on Ministry as an invited individual with important experiences and strategies to suggest. I would like to be involved with a task force that is looking at and forming a newly revised policy. I am offering to give rather than to take.

If you remember, I asked (the previous state minister), via email, to be allowed to speak to the commission members, but my request never received a reply and the ministry commission met without me. I felt dishonored and silenced by this lack of acknowledgement. I need the present commission to offer me an opportunity to speak, as evidence of their good faith. I am requesting that you reconsider this decision and that you talk further with (the chair of the ministerial group) and other leaders on the commission before providing me with a clear answer to my request.

While other points are discussed, such as the role of an advocate, these 3 areas are the main thrust of my letter. Tom seems to think the road is paved for my reception. I remain in doubt, and by keeping my hopes at bay, prepare myself for the next step if I my request to speak is rejected.

I have to wonder if the state realizes that I probably have a valid law suit over the policy not being followed as it was written. While I have no desire to hold this over their head, it seems evident to me that I am offering a win-win scenario here. They have nothing to lose by accepting my input and a lot to lose if they do not. Out of my request, they gain important input and I gain the hearing of my voice by the region in which I was abused. They gain a strong and protective policy while I see powerfully positive results proceding from my pain. I believe God truly desires to turn the darkness into His light for all of us and I believe my chosen path is the path of God's desire for all. Pray that they will see this.

The State Minister Avoids Truth

Is it possible to accept both my statement and Bob's as truth?

No. One of us is not being truthful. Either I am lying. Bob is lying. I have deceived myself and believe I am telling the truth but am not. Or Bob has deceived himself and believes he is telling the truth but is not. (And yes, I know those are not complete sentences but it reads easier that way, fellow educators and writers.)

I have no reason to lie if Bob's truth is the truth. So be it. It was still abuse. He was still my youth pastor. There is no more shame in it for me that way. If it was true I would simply say it was true. He however has much to lose. It is the difference between his being a pedophile and predator or making a one time mistake. Big difference. Big difference in how many victims still exist out there hurting like me.

Reg, emailed me his reply today. He chooses to believe both of us, which essentially says he believes some weird kind of lie. Let me quote him:

"I believe honestly that your story is true. I also believe Bob’s recounting is true as well. Even though the statements may indeed differ, I believe both can be true statements of what each person believes. That difference, though it is uncomfortable, cannot be eliminated. It must simply be accepted."

No it cannot be accepted! This goes against my whole push for testing of perpetrators. It needs to make us uncomfortable enough to do something to stop the Bob's ever abusing again. We cannot simply say, oh my this makes me uncomfortable but I must accept it!!! That is not what God says. He says His word discerns the truth and rightly divides the truth from lies. Let him divide it. I stand before him willing to have that truth divided. Why, because I speak the truth. Anything I have been gray on I have avoided sharing.

As one of my books said earlier this week: "You will see the truth and after it has caused you to flinch a few times it will set you free." I can handle Bob's inability to see the truth - he is a sick sociopath and as such isn't supposed to be able to see the truth. Reg however is not supposed to be sociopathic but he sure has his head in the sand.

I am in shock. Reg says HE will share with the state ministers my desires. This is in direct opposition to what I requested. I choose to share it myself. It will cost me to do what I may need to do but it will cost me more to remain silent.

I called Tom, who read the email reply and called me back this evening to talk more. His statement was to remain calm and know this is not the end of it. I hope the rest of the ministerial commission is more like Tom than Reg. Our plan is to pray for a few days and contemplate on our reply to Reg. We (Tom is using the "We".) need to work at getting from point A (me not sharing in person) to point B (me sharing in person). I explained to Tom why Reg could not do this for me. He didn't even support my suggestions. He did not want the mandatory testing. There is no way he can present that in a convincing way. I can though.

Tom is very aware that I will not stop if not allowed to speak at the state ministers leadership committee. I have told him that I can easily send a letter to every church in this state and the two other states that Bob pastored in. I can explain my mission and tell my story. I can make phone calls. I can even talk to the national group working on this same issue.

This is very hard my friends. I thank God for my husband who has come to me and hugged and held me many times tonight and my pastor who unconditionally believes every word I have spoken.

Di