Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Who Am I?


This is one of my favorite pictures, taken late in the fall on the Russell Scenic Parkway in the mountains of north Georgia. Like me, it is beautiful but damaged, living, surviving, creating, and renewing of life.

Like the insect torn petals, my soul was torn at the age of 17 when as a senior in high school, I was sexually abused by the new youth pastor of my church. Thirty-four years later I still bear the scars of this abuse.

Pastoral sexual abuse references and websites can now be found on the web and in a few books; but when I was desperately looking for others to identify with, others to tell me that my life could improve, others who had already cut through the ice of the Arctic waters for me to follow, there was little if any support. When I believed I was the only one, no one talked of such issues. As I broke the ice to barge forward in my healing, so I choose now to break the ice of silence and share my journey in the hope that others will benefit.

I am a learner. I am not a psychologist or psychiatrist or someone with all the answers, but I do know Someone who has the answers, Someone who has been faithful to lead me through the jagged ice and warm my soul along the way. I also know several faithful professionals who sat with me on the freezing ice bergs or encouraged me to keep my head above the chilling water for one more moment. Both have believed in me when I could not believe in myself - or them.

What I share in later posts will be my journey - past and present. It isn't and can't be someone else's journey but I hope others will find comfort in knowing they are not alone.

My own healing has taken 20 years and is not finished yet. The damage began at 17 and ended when I learned to stop blaming myself and believing that self despite could keep me safe from what raged inside. What others did TO me was defiling and very wrong, but the deepest damage I did to my own soul as self hatred grew inside of me. The deepest healing came as I learned to break free of the words of shame and substitute the words of truth.

So if you would care to join me, whether in the role of a fellow survivor, an encourager, or just someone curious; you are welcome to come along.

Blessings out there to the blogging world - I can't wait to meet you.
Di

8 comments:

TREY MORGAN said...

Di,

I'm looking forward to you getting your blog up and going. I think it will be a safe place for those looking for healing and answers. I know it will be a place we can come to talk and find a safe haven and not place to point fingers and be critical.

Blessings,

Trey

Di said...

Grace, ahhh Grace, and how much easier it is to show grace to others than to yourself.

NB said...

Di,
You are very courageous! Looking forward to reading more about your journey.

Di said...

NB - the short story of my journey is up. I can't say, hope you enjoy it, but I can say - hope it begins a healing process for those who think they are alone.

Balaam's Ass said...

Dearest Di

RE: Who am I – What am I. My son has taught me:

From the beginning God made us to be bearers of his image. Hence we encounter the Latin term Imago Dei.

Human beings were God’s highest, finest creation. Often times common usage treats this term (human being aka "I'm only human")as a fallen entity, something not reflective of God, nor of a divine character.

This phrase “I fail/sin/err because I am only human” is conventional wisdom, but not Gods.

From the beginning God made us to be fully human and fully alive.

Jesus is the only fully human since before Adam and Eve fell, but he is the first born of many more.

Notice, too, that God’s word speaks of our being “dead in our trespasses and sins (Eph.2;1-2), and that we were made alive with Christ by the Holy Spirit (V.8-10). This is like the dust that God formed into Adam which became a living soul after God breathed life into him.

We are then a New Creation in Christ Jesus (I Cor. 5.17). We are a place where heaven and earth meet wherein God has done a new thing, we are in the overlap of of ages and the overlapping of the heaven and earth -- the place where where God reigns and rules on earth as he does in heaven. All this in spite of our being earthen vessels which hold this treasure.

We are not junk. We are no longer strangers. We are friends with God.

Does any of this compute? It is God’s healing and doing, not man’s.

Imago Dei that's who and what I am. I get that you seek to bear his image too.

Di said...

Balaam's Ass, I finally discovered why your comments weren't coming to my email - my filter was filtering you out! Thus I missed this one until this morning.

You said this and it bears repeating: "We are then a New Creation in Christ Jesus (I Cor. 5.17). We are a place where heaven and earth meet wherein God has done a new thing, we are in the overlap of of ages and the overlapping of the heaven and earth -- the place where God reigns and rules on earth as he does in heaven. All this in spite of our being earthen vessels which hold this treasure."

Wow. A major lightbulb came on this morning when I read this right before I headed out the door. It was your word "place" that got my attention. I never thought of His new creation as being a different place where the Holy Spirit and man meet. I remember the scripture that Jesus prayed we are in the world but not of this world, but I never saw it the way I see it now.

So, I say it again. Wow. Holy Wow and thank you.

preacherman said...

Great post.
I want you to know that I enjoyed reading your blog because it is a safe place for those looking for healing and as Trey mentioned answers. God bless you as you find His comfort.

Di said...

Thanks preacherman. I am glad you found it safe. I want it to be that way. Not a place with "have to's" and all the answers but a place where it is ok to be human and fallible.

Di