Sunday, March 10, 2013

In reading back over the last 4 of my posts I realize how much healing has come in this past year. We have settled into the church I mentioned 4 posts back and not a bit of anxiety remains as I dive into the ministry opportunities available. I visited the person I was considering talking to in the post before last. He is my new pastor. He does not see me with judgement but with honor for my journey. I am not driven for attention and my identity is not found in my past. The theme in the messages shared for this year at church is finding wholeness in the 5 works of Christ: incarnation, crucifixion, resurrection, ascension, and His return. So far the truths I have learned through my journey have unfolded week after week. Today, a miracle occurred! I shared my journey in front of 100's of people. Maybe, to say that I shared part of my journey would be the more accurate statement. My pastor interviewed me for about 15 minutes in which I shared the basics of the abuse, the foundation of grace in my life that brought me through, the story of forgiveness of both myself and those that so hurt me, and finally the recent episode of my forgiving my betrayer. What is extra amazing is that all the prayer that covered me as I prepared completely defeated the anxiety I expected to feel. I experienced that anxiety for part of one day, contacted those who loved me asking them to pray, and even this morning woke to perfect peace. To stand up there on stage and see how far I have come - from horrible shame, anger, and pain to HEALING - what a celebration!

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

As time passes, healing comes. I recently wrestled again with forgiveness. I just could not let go of the betrayal. To tell someone of your abuse in hopes of receiving help only to have that pastor re-abuse you..... Though I wanted to forgive and hated the fact that what I felt was hurting no one but myself, I could not move on. Holding it all before God, I waited. One day, sitting in bed reading, God spoke in that undefinable way. It was nothing like I expected. "Diane, what he did was horrendous." and suddenly I saw it clearer than ever. Clearer than I see it now. God seemed to part the fog my normal brain and I saw it as I think he sees it. Not judgmentally. Just in truth as if it was in His light. I realized then that He saw the sin committed against me much clearer than I did. That, all those years I didn't see it at all, God had seen it. Suddenly, I could trust God's justice because I knew nothing was hidden from him. How much clearer he sees everything....every heart, every action, every thought. For the first time, it was ok to just let it go. God is just. His grace and truth walk together and work together.