Monday, September 8, 2008

The Good Girl

I shared with Paul this evening about the two me's that existed when I was 17. The me that was seeking God and the me that was sleeping with Bob. Paul asked me how I felt about those two me's. My feelings shocked me.

I felt love and compassion and understanding towards the me who was having sex with Bob. I have accepted her and love her. That step has been real for me. However, I feel anger and hatred towards the me who was seeking God. This completely shocked me. Why would I hate her? For what am I angry?

The picture I see of her is a young lady walking away from me with her back turned. Is my hatred for her coming out of my shame over my questioning God? Am I angry at her because she has all the answers and I now have none of them? At the same time I love and identify with the humaness of me that was sleeping with Bob.

I am not sure of the answers, only of the feelings.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Back to Work

Well, it is back to work in more ways than teaching. I do my best therapeutic work when I am not off for the summer anyway. Regular work keeps me occupied so I don't spend my whole day focussed on the emotional/mental/spiritual work.
Last week I paid a visit to a local pastoral couselor, Stephen, that I have corresponded with via email. I have "God" issues I would like to deal with in a more intense way than dynamics with my pastor allows. However, the couselor I wanted to see is booked. He suggested another and I met him on Tuesday. I'm not sure what I think. This guy Paul is pure psychotherapist and that really isn't what I am wanting. It may be what I am needing or can at least use, but it is not what I set out to get.

I want a pastor who understands the therapeutic process, one I can let it all out with and get angry at if necessary. I need someone who won't get defensive and I won't have to constantly explain my transference to. I want someone who understands the fact that my "stuff" is going to get smeared on him and it may have little to do with him.

I am sure Paul can do all of that, but he doesn't seem to want to assume the more open role of a pastor versus the more blank slate role of a psychotherapist. I will talk with him more about this next week and see where things go. After all I can go back and do psychotherapy with Dan and I already trust and know Dan. Though, I am not sure I haven't milked Dan for most of what he has to give. I have internalized most of the wonderful stuff Dan taught me.

Last night, I found myself mighty frustrated with Paul's blank slate and realized almost immediately that my frustration is really with God. Who is he anyway? Where was he when my pastor was abusing me? I find myself emotionally beating against this great shiny black wall to what seems no avail.

At 17 I cried out for God believing that there must be something more than the flimsy relationship I had been taught could exist. In the time two things happened. I encountered God in a fresh and real way. I also encountered a youth pastor who abused me. So, if God will not give you a stone when you ask for bread, why did Bob happen? If you say, "Well that was Satan," then why didn't he stop Satan? Isn't that the same thing as giving me the stone?

I was crying out with my whole heart for God. I do not know how to answer the pain in my heart.