Forgiveness is a scary topic for me to share about. Two reasons: one, I do not want someone to EVER feel pressure to forgive; and two, I may open a can of worms here as far as my beliefs. Nevertheless beliefs change and iron sharpens iron; so, I am listening if you disagree and hope you will consider my thoughts.
If you are in the process of healing and do not think you can ever forgive then tell God. He will honor your honesty. He is a God of grace and the last thing He wants is for you to carry more shame over this issue.
The scripture has some interesting things to say about forgiveness and so do many books. The Lord's prayer refers to forgiveness; Jesus spoke of forgiving your brother 70 times 7. Rather than repeat things already said, I would like to share my heart and the fruit of my personal journey. These are some of my views that I will expound up0n:
- Forgiveness is a process, it doesn't happen overnight.
- Forgiveness comes in levels.
- Forgiveness requires seeing the truth and fully facing the pain and shame.
- Forgiveness finds us as we heal.
Forgiveness has taken me 34 years. Now, that doesn't mean that it took me 34 years to decide I should forgive Bob and Minton and the church that hurt me, or that it took me that long to choose to forgive. I decided that soon after breaking free of all the dynamics of those relationships. I was so very aware of my own shortcomings that to hold someone else's feet to the fire was impossible. Besides, I really believed I was equally at fault. It was the 1970's and 80's and not much was out there talking about power dynamics in sexual abuse. No one was even talking about sexual abuse at all. But now I realize that forgiveness has a lot of levels.
At first I chose to forgive and didn't find it very hard because I saw myself as extremely flawed and hated those flaws within me. Note that I did not see truth very clearly. I was full of shame and all those things that counter the work of the cross and grace.
After about 10 years the inner healing movements began to spring up around the country and through church I learned new principles of God's love and grace and mercy. It was at this time that I had a sense that God was not pressuring me to complete something quickly. As I slowly faced truths about the abuse and its damage to my life, I continued to "work at" the forgiveness. I felt that being honest with myself and God was far more important than demanding something of myself that I couldn't do. It became obvious to me during this time, that forgiveness was not sweeping things under the carpet and pretending they didn't happen. Neither was healing.
It is easier to sweep things under the carpet but I believe you can only forgive as you look at the horrendousness of the sin and looking at it requires one step after another in the healing process. Anger is one of the steps in grieving and facing the truth. An important step that no one should be rushed through.
I recently read a book by John Patton entitled Is Human Forgiveness Possible? What he proposes is that unforgiveness and blame and anger and finger pointing are ways we protect ourselves from the shame we feel. As the shame is defeated there is nothing for the unforgiveness to hang itself upon and it dissipates.
This is exactly what happened to me. I recently returned to the denomination in which the first abuse occurred and to a season of truth hitting me hard. I remembered forgotten and repressed horrors. I began to see things in ways I had not been able to see them in the past. I faced the degree the abuse had damaged me as I fell completely apart after 6 years of therapy. I felt more anger at Bob than I had ever felt. I hated him for hurting me in a way that was affecting me 34 years later. And I once again faced shame. Shame for having no control over my emotional state. Shame for the driving dependency inside. As I dismantled the shame and discussed the questions on forgiveness with my pastor, who I think agrees with me on at least the first 3 principles I shared, I chose once again to forgive the church only to find my heart toward Bob had completely changed. I have forgiven by facing truth, finding God's grace and mercy, and fighting the shame.
Forgiveness found me.
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4 comments:
My wife, who has dealt with her own and other's abuse, has also advocated that victims not be challenged to forgive. She too has a sense that it develops.
I suspect that it also has to have foundation, goals, and appropriate self-talk.
Therefore I agree that you are on to an important theme.
The psalmist, David, has said that God leads us by the still water. Rushing water is too dangerous for sheep who are easily off balance and way to wooley to deal with fast water.
God only asks that we serve with as much of our heart as we can bring to the table. More heart will grow... someone said. Then more is required. I suspect that if we are able to give our desire for vengence to God he will heal the rest.
Forgiveness is letting go.
Thanks for your fingings... and journey.
Shame is not guilt... Shame is not cured by forgiveness.
B.A.,
Please send your wife my regards. I think the two of you are very blessed with a great deal of wisdom.
Shame is NOT cured by forgiveness, unless it is forgiveness one give's oneself.
I struggled for years to get healed and learned some great Christian truths and revamped my view of the Father but I reached an impass and there I was stuck.
I knew God loved me. I understood grace in a deep way. I just couldn't show it to myself. As I went back and asked God, why didn't you just heal me all those years that I cried out from the pit and nothing happened?
This is what I heard, "Di, I can't love you FOR you."
God love us! He LOVES us! But I am the only person who can love me FOR me. In other words I have to love myself and if I don't God can't do it for me, and it is in that place of self hatred and despite that shame lodges and lives.
I have been guilty and felt no shame and been full of shame and carried no guilt. But, I am not sure how to define shame. Can you?
Di
Dearest Di,
Thanks for speaking well of my blessed wife. She is in the forefront of our thinking as she is currently awaiting a pathologist’s report regarding a possible recurrence of her bladder cancer. So, we are reminded that we are also at work dealing with our own faith, journey and worldview.
So, too, disease (for instance) can be interpreted from a shame based perspective. It can be deemed as one’s body betraying itself. This is not unlike a noticeable uncontrollable facial flush during embarrassment can heightens one’s pain.
Shame is much more about being an unacceptable self by one’s self. Ergo, self hatred, self-loathing, etc. All these set-up shame-based behavior. Shame has been classified as toxic versus a healthy shame which might motivate better behavior; while the former produces self-denigrating even self-destructive behavior.
Shame then is directly about the self. It is the vicarious experience of the other's scorn of the self.
This is the self as Charles H. Cooley discussed in the "Looking Glass Self."
The self at the moment of shame is felt to be in the "eye of the storm" of disapproval. The metaphor "eye of the storm" is also literal. Shame is a feeling of terror and the product of intimidation. Shame can also be evoked by being looked at, which speaks to the prominent imagery of the other in the shame experience. Shame can also be relieved, although not always, by a positive glance from the other. In keeping with this imagery, absence of eye contact has been used as a measure of social anxiety or shame.
While the state of shame exists, the self feels helpless, as if paralyzed. This is particularly clear in embarrassment.
See my: Only God Can Give Us a New Life
B.A.
Shame has been directly connected to my anxiety level. When I feel anxious, I immediately look for shame.
The hard part is letting go of it. Jesus took our shame but letting go......I think I often have a tug of war with him.
Di
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