Confronting My Abuser

This post is a work in progress. It isn't something finished or refined. As a matter of fact, I will probably come back and edit it each day until I get it right. Or it feels right. This is hard. This is my healing in progress. It has taken 20 years to get here so if you aren't here or never get here, it is ok. My healing isn't your healing and I honestly wouldn't suggest that anyone do this as no one has suggested it to me.

I am planning on contacting my abuser, Bob. My therapist gave me an assignment - to write my script. So I am going to take a swing at it. I keep having to tell myself there is no right or wrong in this. God will take the truth and use it, if he lets Him. So here we go:

"Bob, you damaged me to the extent that 34 years later, not a day passes that I am not affected. Every morning and every evening I take medication to manage my anxiety. Every relationship I have is or has been impacted by the abuse - including my relationship with God.

The greatest damage, as a result of your behavior, was the shame I took away from the defilement. I was convinced something was wrong with me. After all you didn't molest all the girls, I don't think, just me. I knew nothing about power relationships or control issues. I only knew for some reason I attracted the abuse like a magnet. On the second day I saw you, our first time alone, the abuse began. That is predation. Four days after I met you, you shamelessly sodomized me. Three weeks after we met, you took my virginity. What did I do to deserve that? I loved God and was president of the youth group and went by your house to welcome you to town. I showed you kindness and you responded by using me and taking from me my self respect and emotional health.

I was a child. I thought like a child. You were the adult and you used me.

For the next 15 years I hated the part of myself that let you hurt me, in hopes that I could keep it from every happening again. Then I spent another 18 years trying to undo all the self hatred.

During the 5 years after I reported you, I questioned God to the point of His existence. Six months ago I returned to church, a Disciple's Church, still unsure of His existence and very unsure of his goodness. I was healed enough to go to church and take my mom, only I wasn't healed enough to hang around long without some painful consequences. It took about a month and panic and pain found me. I made the mistake of sitting and talking with 3 youth - all 17.

My insides fractured open. I cried. I shook. I took xanex. And this was after 6 years of good therapy and hard work. Bob, it angered me that what you did to me still had that power over me. I determined at that point that the abuse would not control me and that is at least part of why I am facing you today. In choosing to contact you and confront you, I am taking control.

I had two choices as far as church went, I could run or I could fight. I chose to fight - not you, but the hell inside of me. If I was going to panic then I was going to have a pastor that knew why. I emailed Tom and via email and multiple meetings I shared with him my 34 year journey. His response was admirable and holy. He apologized for what you did to me, he said it disgusted him, he hurt for me and with me, and he prayed for me and did not prey upon me. He has been Christ's vessel for me.

I have told so many people now that it is not really difficult to talk about it and little shame is still attached. As a matter of fact, if you knew where to go, you could read about it all on my blog. Perhaps it is my way of breaking free of the promises you forced out of me to never tell anyone. I have now told the world - though, I have spared you of the pain of using your last name or your families names or my name or told anyone where you live. You see, as much as I need to speak the truth, I can't find it within me to hurt you.

Even when I reported you to the regional office and discovered your daughter was about to be married, I insisted that you not be confronted until after the wedding. I think the regional minister did some pretty fancy footwork to assure all were safe and well at your local church without alerting you to what you were about to face. I didn't know if your family knew of any of your sexual addiction, but I could not bear the thought of hurting you or them at a time that should be filled with joy.

It is not my desire to hurt you now, but it is my desire that you face the truth of what you cost me. And, there are questions I have that I hope you will answer honestly.

What in the world were you thinking when you approached me at my brother's funeral and told me the two of you had become close friends? I felt raped. There I stood with my own 17 year old son. My son who was the same age as I was when you exploited me. I had not seen you for years and without any remorse you walk up with seeming unawarness of the impact you had carved in my life. You even invited me to come visit you and your family. That was not reality Bob. You were either in serious denial or choosing to prey upon me again. I knew at that point that the degree of repentance that you had experienced was lacking of any depth if it existed at all.

I believe healing requires truth as does repentance. I hope my reporting you caused you to face the truth, and I hope it led to brokeness and healing. I hope today brings more.

Why? Why did you become a sexual addict and predator? Who abused you?

What did you feel and draw from the abuse? Why the need to control me?

What do you remember? What have you wiped out of your memory?

Why did you tell me when I tried to stop it all, that I could not have the attention or a friendship without the sex because we had already crossed that line?

How could you try to pimp me off on your best friend, Charlie?

Does your family know? (And no I won't tell them.)

I heard you got help. Why didn't you ever make sure I got help?

How could you face my brother and build a friendship knowing what you did to me?

Did you deny to the regional minister, the relationship you had with Barbara? Why? What else did you lie about?

How much shame do you carry now? Brokeness is good but shame isn't. It will only lead you to abuse more.

Do you have support when you leave here? While I want you to face truth, I want it wrapped in the cross and His love for you. There is healing. I encourage you to seek more of it."

Alright my friends in the blogging world, be gentle, but I am open to your thoughts. This is real life, this is vulnerable. This is not made up. This is the cost of pastoral sexual abuse.

Di