Two Faces of a Predator

I continue to process the meaning of my meeting with the perpetrator of my abuse. Today I am thinking of the two faces I have seen.

In the early 1970's Bob was a cocky sort of guy, in more than one way, now that I think about it. Sorry for the pun. It just hit me the two meanings of that word. Like the rooster he strutted about the world in his cowboy boots and jeans with a jaunty bounce in his step. His speech was flavored with what I term psycho-ease. You know, the way shrinks talk, reflecting your words back to you and baiting you into revealing more about yourself than you have previously. I clearly remember his, "You seem uneasy and embarrassed about that," comment that first opened my hidden places to his slick handling. And he talked easily of forbidden subjects never hesitating or acting ill at ease. It was as easy for him to talk about a man's penis and acts of sex as it was to talk about fishing or hunting.

He was also quite cruel and manipulative. "Once you have crossed that line, you can't go back. You can't have one without the other" he stated in response to my complaining about his distance after I asked out of the sexual part of our relationship. I recall his "say uncle" or "Say you'll quit" when he repeatedly pushed my face into the dirt every time I angrily charged at him, while camping, after he verbally humiliated me. And there was his talk of tying me to the bed and almost bringing me to an orgasm but never quite letting me get there - I never went for that. His loading the shot gun with buck shot while we shot skeet and laughing when it kicked and left me bruised is just one more of what I can specifically remember.

All of this, sharply contrasts with the Bob of last Tuesday. His once moustached face, that led to my awe at that first kiss, is now more fully hidden by a beard. It is as if he was hiding from the truth that reverberated within the room . The Bob of 2007 was stilted and silent for much of our time. His face was blank and his look dead pan. He sat rigidly and admitted the knot in his stomach. He smiled briefly at my forgiveness, but sat glaring at my offer to come clean with the truth.

None of the verbal acuity remained, not in that setting at least. He was the one that appeared tied down, afraid to move, waiting for the kick of the gun that he must have known at some level was bound to bruise him. On Tuesday it was no longer Bob who had the strength to hold me down, but me who spiritually wielded the power of truth to hold him stiff in that chair.

The tables had turned.

The power was mine.

The power is mine. Only the power I carried on Tuesday is a power not to destroy but to redeem, a power he rejected.

Remember when Jesus sent the 72 out to the cities and towns to prepare the way for Him. He told them that those that listened to them, heard Him, and those that refused the truth they brought, refused Him and He who sent Him.

On Tuesday, I refused to be the victim any longer. Bob refused God.

Driven to Talk

The baby tern on the right in this picture would not shut up. If either parent moved a inch to the left, he moved and continued to squawk.

I thought I would be through talking after conversing with Bob but like the tern, matters press me on. I certainly enjoy talking and writing. Communication is my profession and now I wish to take my profession of teaching to a new audience. The best teaching often comes from raising questions and pointing out problems that need to be solved.

I have written an email to two of the church's regional ministers in my state. I have asked for an opportunity to sit and talk with them. One of those ministers is Michael, Bob's son-in-law, the other is Michael's boss. My agenda with Michael is more personal, as I want to continue our conversation without Bob's presence. I have a few more memories I think he should be aware of that seemed pointless to share with Bob when he was not going to acknowledge them. I would also like him to know about the conversation I first had with Bob. I think it might be hard but good for him to hear John's take on Bob's psychological condition, as well. And, because Michael was so caring, I want to let him know first of my plans and desire to share with the ministerial leadership committee in the state.

With both Michael and Ray, I hope to share multiple thoughts, questions and suggestions as to procedures the church follows when a report of pastoral sexual misconduct occurs. I will list my thoughts below:

1. Psychological evaluations are needed and should be required in all reported cases. A third party that is completely objective is needed.


2. An increase in the number of people with access to files that remain open - meaning the incident was not settled, there is disagreement or lack of enough evidence to defrock the minister but enough evidence to cause concern as to his past behavior and present condition. Presently only one person has access to the those files.


3. A different set of thoughts and procedures for predatory behavior or child molestation is needed. These procedures might include:

• mandatory reporting of criminal activity that is in policy and well known by all ministers in the denominational region.


• contact of whole congregations when a predator has pastored in that congregation regardless of the passage of time.


• mandatory therapy for the length of ministry if a file is left open but the pastor remains in ministry.


• an understanding that victims may take many many years to come forward and this should not decrease the validity of the report in the eyes of the ministerial committee reviewing the report or affect the outcome.


• open disclosure to the victim of the perpetrators statement and of any consequences that the ministerial committee enacts.


• contact of victim if and when the ministers relocates.

I am interested in some feedback, especially if you are a minister. I want to go into the meeting with an understanding of all parties and the needs of the church, victim, and perpetrator in consideration. What do you see that sounds important and what might seem impossible?

And friends, if you don't mind, could you leave your thoughts here on the blog instead of emailing.

The Eyes Have It! A Post in Honor of Integrity

"The lamp of the body is the eye. If your eye is good your whole body
will be full of light. But if your eye is bad your whole body will be full
of darkness. If therefore the light that in you is darkness, how great is
that darkness!" Matthew 6:22-23.

I have two pictures in my head from my time with Bob and both are a set of eyes.

Bob's (my perpetrator) darkness that appeared to be stabbing out at me from his one seeing eye seemed confused and fearful and evil . And Tom's (my present pastor) eyes that met mine each time I hit a hard spot and had to look away from Bob's darkness and lies. Tom's eyes were gentle and caring and full of light and encouragement. The difference in these two men's eyes was phenomenal.

Bob's eyes were frightening, frightened, angry, deceptive, and evil looking. Tom's eyes said, "I believe you. I believe in you. I am walking with you."

Of everything in the meeting those two pictures stand out. Two pastor's eyes. One pastor, so full of evil, that it has devoured his life and who knows how many other's, and the other full of light - light that he gave to me - but light that did not originate with him.

Bob's darkness invaded my life in November of 1972, and on Tues. July 3, 2007 I shook off the remaining darkness and cast it aside and stepped into the complete light - in the presence of Bob but I stepped alone, without him. All was exposed and laid out in the light of truth.

Truth was declared to the one who has lived in the darkness of lies. The truth was offered to Bob, through me, but not only by me. I honestly believe God offered him the chance to walk into the light with me, but Bob chose not to take it.

I feel sad that Bob chose to keep the darkness in his soul. I feel gratitude that Tom shared the light of God with me that day, and to him I offer this public thank you.

Thank you my pastor and my friend. It is hard to believe I have only
known you for 9 months, the journey has been so intense. I could only do
this because you are part of it. Without you, I could have never found
this place of freedom. I would not have shaken off that darkness.

Tonight, I thank you, to remind myself and all those that come to this
blog, that even though one chose evil, you Tom, chose integrity and light!
Your integrity gave me hope, strength, and allowed me to find my God again.
You chose to take the power of your position and use it to heal. You chose
to give rather than take.

Your choice is one of true power, of agape love, and of our God. May your choice bring others the hope that men can be honorable. That Christ can express himself through the church. That some do choose what is right and good. And for that, I honor you.

As you have given to one of the least of these......may our God give back to you.

Diane

Feelings About Facing my Abuser

Yesterday I faced him. Last night I dreamed about it and woke up tense. Today I thought about it.

During the night I woke and felt horror as I couldn't get that dark, dark angry eye out of my mind. The way he looked at me after I challenged him on the Barbara issue was quite threatening or was it pleading or perhaps both.

I feel sad that Bob could not come clean and be honest or even move one tiny step in that direction. I truly want nothing worse than repentance for him.

Relief and a smile floods over my face every now and then when I realize it is finished. "It is finished." The cycle is complete.

Tenderness floods my heart as I think of the support of my sweet husband.

As I remember the comfort and encouragement in his eyes yesterday, I am filled with gratitude for my present pastor and for his integrity.

I feel safe with Tom and part of that safety is in his solid relationship with his wife. I haven't mentioned her much but she is there strong and supportive of his ministry and she offered her prayers for us yesterday as we met.

I am thrilled that yesterday I spoke truth and did not let anyone's acceptance of me hinder what I needed to say.

I am awed by Michael's support of me and invitation to contact him. I am anxious to hear a reply to my email I sent him.

I am in wonder as I think of Bob's comment that he was glad Tom was the kind of pastor he was. It sounded as if he was suggesting that Tom was different than he had been and he was glad. That seemed sincere and gave me hope that inside perhaps he has changed but maybe the past is so full of crap that he just can't pull his thumb out of the dike lest it all wash him away.

I am curious as to what must have happened when Bob and Michael arrived home to their wives. I prayed for them yesterday evening and will keep them on my prayer list.

I am hopeful that maybe I can work through enough to actually join this church I have been attending.

I feel courageous and ready to take up my lance and charge the enemy - wherever they are.

I am very proud of myself and rather full of admiration for what I did.

I feel strong now that I have taken back my voice and sounded it to 3 ministers in the same room. I have faced the enemy and found 2 to be my friends.

I trust myself to know my needs and to seek the road that life has given me.

I am eager to have the opportunity to talk to Cheryl once she gets back in town. I believe a hug would feel real good next week if she can find time for one. And a high five. And a YES! And a big smile and maybe we should dance a while too.

I am grieved that the wives have to hurt through this. It seems the women are the ones that are hurting and I hate that. I want to tell them to hold their heads up high and trust God enough to face the truth and love him any way.

I feel tired of all the intensity of feelings! So much to process emotionally.

Facing My Abuser

Today began with a cool morning and an attempt to keep my mind off the afternoon. I tried to work on the house some but found I did not have much of a heart to do so. I piddled around with sanding and priming but finally gave up and showered and dressed. Hubby and I had talked last night about what I was going to wear and while he wanted me to dress professionally in order to express more power, I chose something nice but more casual. Nice capri pants, blue short sleeve sweater, and a nice shirt over it. I dressed to represent who I am.

Once I was dressed and had my make-up on, I told mom I was off to meet some teachers for lunch and stuff. As ministers they all three have taught. I left and got a hamburger which I surprised myself with being able to eat. Then I headed over to the church 45 minutes early. I couldn't do anything else so I decided I would occupy myself in the sanctuary for a while.

Father God and I had a good talk. I kneeled at the front and acknowledged His work in my life, committed the afternoon to his hand, and turned Bob over to Him. Then I took a song book out and flipped through it singing as I went. I must have sung about 20 songs by the time I heard Tom looking for me and calling me from the hallway. In that time, I had connected with the Holy Spirit in a wonderfully peaceful way. I was ready.

Tom and I sat in the front secretary's office and talked for a couple of minutes when we were joined by my husband who gave me a big kiss and plopped down beside me. I left briefly to take a trip to the restroom and detoured by the room we were going to meet in and arranged the chairs just like I wanted them. Tom teased me about having them just right. Interestingly when we went in later, everyone ended up right where I needed everyone to sit.

Before they arrived, Tom, Robin and I prayed together with me teasing Tom that pastors always ask, "Should WE pray," but then do all the praying themselves. So he let us go first and when he finished I told him next time I wanted to go last for the same reason. Pastors always have to say the "Amen". We all laughed. It was a good tension breaker.

Bob and Michael arrived right at two o'clock and excused themselves to the men's room. We then guided them to the parlor and sat down. Bob had aged since I saw him 9 years ago. He had gained about 50 pounds and turned gray. I felt less intimidated seeing him look his age of 67. He was obviously nervous. His face was blank and gray and later Tom described his affect as flat.

We sat and Tom suggested we open with prayer. I opened my eyes to all the men all looking at me and laughingly said, "You are all looking at me." Bob replied and smiled, "You asked for the meeting." I smiled and began by telling them why I wanted this meeting. I told them that at first I could not put the reason into words but I knew it was God. Gradually I came to realize that I needed two things. One, to sit in the same room with Bob, who had abused me, and to have my safe boundaries, and care for myself, be the adult and to care for the child inside, not looking for Bob's approval or attention. Second, I needed to share my voice, that I could not or did not have as a 17 year old.

I continued on by saying I wanted to first share the effects that the abuse had on my life. Rather than going into all I said, I suggest you read my post on The Legacy of Pastoral Sexual Abuse. Though I did not use all the same words, the message was the same. As Tom later stated, I was direct but kind. Throughout the time, my emotions were there but they seemed legitimate and appropriate for the setting and could not have been viewed as manipulative. I teared up a couple of times, stopped to get some eye contact from Tom on three occasions, which he did a great job of giving, and moved on. Twice I teared up with comments Michael made and my lip and chin trembled until I bit it. It was important to me to be honest with my feelings and not stifled, but neither did I want to give Bob the power that would come from me regressing into the child. I think I managed an almost perfect balance.

As I shared the effects of the abuse, I told of my beginning to attend the church. I shared how all the crap came flying out of me and I had to decide if I wanted to stop coming or face it squarely with Tom. I chose the latter. I talked about the greatest anger I had felt through the years being during that time of emotional turmoil as I realized the abuse was still eating my cake 34 years later. As I worked through it, I shared, I came to the day when I knew I had forgiven Bob. Up on the trail behind the church I marked that milestone with stones I have piled up. I went on to explain that forgiveness is not just something we give others but something we have become. It was a miraculous step for me to reach a place of forgiveness.

At this point I told Bob that I could continue on or I could give him a chance to respond to what I had said. He chose to respond. He began with saying he had really been on edge over this happening and that he felt as if he had a basketball down in his gut as they left this morning to drive over. (I wanted to yell, YES!!! Finally, I have the power. But, I didn't even let on that it felt so good to know this.) Bob told me that he was there because he wanted to help me finish my healing and that he cared about me. His voice was level but lighter as he expressed his gratitude for the forgiveness. He went on to explain himself by saying that during the time of our relationship, he did not see himself as my pastor. At this point, I looked at Michael out the corner of my eye, he hung his head and shook it as if he could not believe Bob was saying this. I began to expect that Michael was going to be a major asset in the meeting and that is what he proved to be.

As Bob continued to talk about all the things we did together he shared that his memory was of the sex growing out of the tremendous friendship we shared. This was a perfect jumping off place for me to share my version of the start of the abuse. I knew Bob had heard it. Tom had heard it. I knew it, but Michael was not privy to the information before today. I wanted Michael to hear the degree of predation his father-in-law had functioned in.

I told of the kiss on the second day, of oral sex on the 4th day, and of intercourse by week 3. Bob held on to his views and denied the truth of mine throughout the meeting. I encouraged him to hold this out before God, because I truly believed that truth could bring only healing and wholeness to his life. While he denied that there was any reason to believe one versus the other version, I pointed out that my version was much more predatory than his. I questioned his level of denial and he seemed shocked that I would use his name and the word denial in the same sentence.

I pointed out to Bob that his appearing at my brother's funeral and inviting me to visit him spoke of a rather large amount of denial. Bob explained that there were so many other things we shared and that I was essentially a part of his family during that year's time (that kind of makes me sick feeling) and that was what he was focussing on when he invited me to his home. He stated that at the time, he did not realize the impact this had on my life.

However, I went on to challenge him with the fact that as a pastor, he had to have attended those seminars where they talk about the damage done by this type of relationship. It seemed to me that it was only through denial that he could not have connected the two.

Whenever I challenged him this way, he just looked at me and did not answer. I had forgotten that Bob only had sight in one eye and the other looks slightly to the right so I looked back into his good eye with what I hoped was truth but peace from my heart.

I asked Bob what he remembered about the sex and he replied that it began after a youth lock-in we had at the church. We had all danced that night and I had danced extra close to him during one dance. (Duh! I had been sleeping with him for 4 or 5 months by then.) He took me home the next morning but had to return to his office to get something and it was then that he kissed me. He remembered the oral sex and that it occured in the living room, as many did but the first time was actually in the den on their sofa. He also remembered the intercourse but the time I lowered myself onto him, in his memory was the time he ejaculated in me.

I had asked him earlier if he remembered one time when I thought I might be pregnant. His answer was no. I asked him if he remembered how we avoided the issue of my becoming pregnant and he replied that he only ejaculated in me one time and that was 3 days after my period. Wow, now that is specific. I had to wonder how he remembered that detail while having forgotten all the other.

I shared my memory of his setting me up with Charlie and that was the one time he became defensive. He recognized what that would be saying about himself and he denied it fully. However, Charlie seemed to think it was arranged for sex and I left it there. It is odd that he recognizes and defends himself on that issue while not on the others.

I talked of sex in the woods on the way to some friends house, of sex in his tent with another man in the tent (I used my hand to bring him to an orgasm), of sex in the state office. None of those sparked a response. He acted surprised but did not verbally deny them.

I asked Bob what the commision on ministry had done in response to my report. Bob said that he had met 2 or 3 times with the regional minister at the time and his wife but that he was not aware of any follow up. He said that he finished out his ministry and retired as soon as he reached retirement age but denied that he had been pressured to do so. Bob told me that every region he had ministered in was contacted but no one else came forward with a negative report.

Twice during the conversation, Michael, who besides being Bob's son-in-law is also works on the state level, spoke his own input. His voice was clear and kind and gentle and his acknowledgement of my pain seemed very real. His apology and concern for me were far more legitimate sounding than Bob's. Tom had spoken highly of Michael and I found my heart opening to him. Michael acknowledged that God was obviously with me and he was grateful to have been invited to participate in this part of my healing. He explained to me what it meant for a pastor's file to be left open. It is forever and always in the regional ministers personal file cabinet and will be passed on and reviewed by each subsequent minister.

Then, Michael went on to say that he was sorry that there truly was no justice in this situation. That was when I cried. Can you believe that. I believe he really meant it. He aknowledged to me that there was no justice and then he said he was sorry. I just realized how powerful that was for me to hear. Michael continued to offer to be of any assistance that he could be to me and for me to call him if he could help me further. That is an option I may very well explore.

I asked Bob and Michael how their wives were handling this. Bob replied first that his was anxious and wanted closure so she could quit dreaming about it. That is evidently why the time table was moved up. Michael said that his was angry, not at me but at the situation, that she is 7 months pregnant and very emotional. She won't talk with Michael about this in the same way they talk about everything else. That has concerned Michael. As I listened to that, I had a thought. It might not be true at all but I gave my input anyway. I asked him to tell her, for me, that it isn't something we do logically, but sometimes we pick up the shame from something like this and for her to please not do that. The lightbulb seemed to come on for Michael. Maybe it will help.

Bob, in response to my question as to what his wife might need from me to relieve the anxiety, replied "an assurance that the phone wouldn't ring again and they wouldn't have to deal with this one more time." In his statement I once again heard him blaming me for his wife and daughter's discomfort. I did not hear, "I am sorry I caused them this pain." I replied to Bob that as far as I knew, I didn't think there was anything else he could offer me. That I could not imagine any purpose in another phone call, but I had to take care of myself first and I couldn't promise that and put a stamp and seal on it.

By this point, I had eliminated everything on my note cards but one item. One bomb. I told them I hate to go here but I needed to. I looked at Bob and asked him if he had ever told his wife that he had slept with anyone else besides me. He replied firmly, "No." I looked him in the eye and asked what about Barbara? Very animatedly he replied to the negative again. I continued to look him in the eye and I said, "Bob, I think you and I know that is not true." He said nothing else but continued to look at me with the dark, dark eye. Then he asked, what makes you so sure of that statement. I offered, "You told me you slept with her." "I said to you that I slept with her?" he asked with disbelief. "Yes, and you spent every afternoon at her house and a man at the church caught the two of you embracing intimately and he told Tom Neal about it." Quiet and an intense stare met me. I continued, "Bob, it really doesn't matter as far as I am concerned, your wife certainly does not need to know or be hurt by this, but I wanted to give you a chance to come clean".

Quietness filled the room as neither one of us replied. I simply looked to Tom for a little comfort and eye contact. I told Tom, that was all I had, that I had emptied my heart. Michael looked at Bob and asked him if he was finished. Bob replied in the positive, he was obviously shaken however after my confrontation over Barbara. Michael then asked to talk with Bob for a moment before we finished.

We left briefly and I talked with my husband and told him what he could see, I was doing well inside. His support of me through this has been awesome. I told Tom that I thought Michael was believing me and seeing some things he had not before. Tom agreed. We were quickly invited back. I was pretty sure that Michael had nudged Bob to say he was sorry, as he had not done so, and that is what occured.

Bob told me he was sorry, sorry it had happened, sorry I had spent my life dealing with it. Then he almost said what I really wanted to hear. He said "It was wrong." One step further would have been, "I was wrong," but the other 3 words were probably the biggest step he was capable of taking. Bob went on to say that he was glad I had a husband who supported me and a pastor who cared and was the type of pastor he was. He seemed to be saying that he was glad Tom had the integrity that he, Bob, had lacked.

We ended in prayer, all of us holding hands. I have no idea what Tom prayed but when he finished, I reached across the circle and offered my hand to Bob. He took it and shook it and looked me in the eye. That may seem an odd ending for me, but I needed to touch the hands that had abused me. I needed to touch them and still maintain my boundaries and stand for truth. My prayer is that hand shake will shake his heart until truth reigns there as well.

My Agenda with My Perpetrator

I have 4 basic items on my agenda to work through with Bob.















1. Internal Work:

• To give myself a few moments to think and recognize that he is sitting across from me and HE is the perpetrator and not everyone else I transfer onto. Then, I intend to recognize my own ability to keep myself safe and healthy. I can focus on the fact that I now have boundaries. My sitting with him in this meeting is saying "NO! No, you will not hurt me again. No, I do not need your approval. No, I do not need your acceptance. No, I do not want to sleep with you. No, I do not love you. No, I do not want your attention."

2. External Work:

• To say some of the above, especially the "No!" part. I can frame it with the fact that I could not say no to him when I was 17. I can say "No!" now and I am going to take the opportunity to do so.


• To tell him how his abuse affected my life. I want to include the shame, self-hatred that especially focussed on the part of myself that was needy, loss of esteem, anxiety disorder, life course change, perfectionism, emotional turmoil, issues with authority, etc.


• To tell him some of the memories that hurt me the most.

This external work is my way of finding my voice, the voice I did not have at 17 - the voice that was silenced by Bob's power and cunning.

I am nervous as I wait the remaining hours. I will see him tomorrow. I feel such ambivalence. The child is evident as I work to stay the adult. I can feel some of the old attention and approval issues inside of me. Part of me wants to sweep it all under the carpet and just talk and catch up. Such odd things to be feeling the night before I confront my abuser. I will be sitting in the room with the man who lifted my chin and kissed me, the man who used his own penis to teach me what felt good, the man who said, "It is sterile and people just swallow it.", the man who tried to get me to sleep with his best friend, the man who rubbed my face in the dirt over and over, the man who used his hands to bring me to an orgasm, the man who took my virginity, the man who told me I could not have his affection without the sex since we had already crossed that line, the man who accused me of being in love with a penis because I tried to entice a friend of his into bed with me, the man whose arms I flew into and thought I was becoming a woman, the man who as my youth pastor, who at the age of 32 had sex with me as a 17 year old.

I will see him tomorrow and I hope the adult shows up.

An Appointment with The Perpetrator of My Abuse

The image at the right is an odd "crack" in a piece of limestone. The crack is called a stylolite. It occurs as pressure from opposite directions press the two rock layers together. The pressure actually causes the rocks to dissolve at the contact point and the stylolite forms and a new boundary is formed. I think you will see how the picture fits my last few days as you read on.

Bob's son-in-law, Michael, contacted my pastor, Tom, on Wednesday of this week and asked if we could sit down and talk this coming Tuesday, July 3rd. Tom emailed me and we talked and it is a go for Tuesday.

I emailed many who support me and asked for their input and prayers and I scheduled an appointment with my therapist for Monday. I talked briefly to both Cheryl and Dan (old shrink and marriage counselor) who were very supportive.

David Clohessy called me yesterday morning and woke me up after a night of staying up with Bonnie, but it was time to get up. His view is always in stopping further abuse. He encouraged me to ask questions as to what Bob is now doing in his spare time. Is he continuing to play tennis with women other than his wife? Is he doing anything to work with teenagers?

I thought his idea a good one and will try to incorporate it into the agenda. I would like to talk to Michael about him monitoring his father-in-law as well. Bob remains a predator at heart if not in action. From my phone conversations with him, little has changed.

When I asked my hubby for input he was all about explaining to Bob what a snake he was...... which has its place.

My point is that everyone thinks their input is the way to go and I have to sift through it to take the pieces I need and leave the others. It is good emotional exercise to shuffle through others feelings to prepare for this but that always hits my "acceptance issues" thus it has been a hard 3 days.

Di

The Legacy of Pastoral Sexual Abuse

How does one quantify or qualify the damage done by clergy sexual misconduct? When I search online for answers to this question, I find little talk of actual cost. So, I began to ask myself this question - what did Bob's and Minton's abuse cost me?

I was privy, as a returning non-traditional college student, to free therapy for 5 1/2 years. I once tallied up what the therapy would have cost me had I been required to pay for it and the tab came to $120,000; a fee I could have never afforded. I currently pay a minimum of $150 a month. That $150 includes therapy and medication of which insurance covers the majority.

As large as that figure is to my budget, the greater cost is in my time, energy, and emotional health. Here is a cost list I created a few weeks ago:

• shame, shame and more shame


• lack of trust of myself


• What is wrong with me?


• self doubt


• self flagellation - Do you understand the seriousness of what you have done?


• fear of myself

By far the most important and most damaging effect was the loss of self respect. Once Minton made moves toward me as a result of my sharing Bob's abuse with he and his wife, I adopted the belief and question, "What is wrong with me?" Any tatters of belief in myself was totally destroyed. I truly believed the abuse was a result of something decidedly misconstructed in me. A later pastor asked me if I understood the seriousness of what I had done? Being the fantastic overachiever my son accuses me of being - I determined to understand this fact with all my being.

I daily flagellated myself with the seriousness of what I had done in hopes of preventing such misbehavior in the future. I lost any trust of my own personhood and saw myself as something to fear - and fear myself, I did. Who else would I contaminate?

Shame became the primary definer of my soul. I lived in shame. I believed in my shame. I was shame. Therapists will tell you that shame is at the base of most psychological issues. It WAS my psychological issue.

• identification of attention and approval with sex


• increase in need for approval


• loss of healthy boundaries

During my relationship with Bob, my boundaries were destroyed. I equated sexual desire with acceptance. I was eaten alive inside by a hunger for approval and attention that was promised by the sex but I never seemed to attain. Have you ever been so thirsty that you would have drunk anything? I have - once. Since then I always make sure water travels with me. I have carried inside of me a similar thirst for approval and attention and acceptance. The hole inside my soul was unquenchable and constantly drove me to have it filled. It tormented every waking moment of my life. Tell me I am OK. Tell me you like me. Tell me I did a good job. Tell me you care about me. Tell me I am special. Tell me....... Only no matter how much love was shown, it never filled the hole. I became frantic to make the pain and emptiness stop.

• involvement in a controlling church that was full of misogyny


• anger toward authority which led to frequent conflict


• transference onto relationships in the present

I sought approval in a very controlling and misogynous church. Misogyny means hatred of women, and women were treated like dirt. We had picnics at which the men played and the women took care of the kids and believed that was their place. The men went to meetings that the women were too fragile to understand or learn about. Women were not allowed to pray for anyone if their husband was not present. Whatever issues a husband might have was immediately deflected back onto the wife for if she was a proverb's women her husband would be an elder and "sit in the gates". If he wasn't - then there was something wrong with his wife. It took years for me to see the error of the church and then I couldn't leave it out of some warped sense of duty.

Anger toward authority leaked out of me like steam out of a pressure cooker. I was unaware of it, but those in authority felt it. It was my goal to emasculate them and expose their weaknesses. I transferred my anger at Bob and Minton onto others. Some deserved it but others did not. Relationships were affected and I was seen as someone to be avoided.

• general anxiety disorder


• need to be perfect, fear of failure increased


• emotional turmoil


• church avoidance

While prior to the abuse I had been an A/B student, after the abuse I had to be the top of the class. Being the top made me special and gave me attention and approval. It also drove me and haunted me and made me rather obnoxious at times. As I entered my late 40's an underlying anxiety built inside of me. It still remains and medication keeps me even keel most of the time. Panic attacks and a racing heart keep me taking that medication.

I left church and could not go back until 9 months ago. If I went for a wedding or once for the baptism of my son, a Xanex got me through the ceremony. Being in church was too frightening. I don't know whether I was more afraid of what someone there might do or of what I might do if let loose.

• life focus stolen


• identity changed and centered on abuse


• dropped out of college


• time


• loss of friends

I dropped out of college early on because of the emotional turmoil over the abuse from Bob and Minton. I spent the the next 25 years pursuing the direction that brought the least anxiety. Even my eventual return to college at the age of 43 was in part out of fear of failing if I returned to the work force.

Much of the time in my 30's and 40's was spent wrestling with the after affects of the abuse. I did not always connect the two but without the abuse, much that brought turmoil into my life, would not have had its hook in me.

I lost dear friends when the relationship with Minton was aired by a pastor that promised to protect my identity. I had already been thrown out of the church group years before due to discomfort between me and Minton's wife. Then, post abuse, I was once again blamed for the action of my pastor and deemed too dangerous for some to allow their children to be around me. Their children were allowed, however, to hang out with Minton - at least until the truth came out.

I sometimes wonder who I would be if Bob had never happened - in one sense, a pointless question. Nevertheless, my life was changed. Oddly if you look at it one way, what I did to myself because of the abuse, was the deepest damage. It was not the physical happenings that hurt me, but the self hatred and despite that ate me alive.

Shame is a devourer of souls.

Statute of Limitations on Sexual Abuse

In my state, the statute of limitations for sexual abuse falls under the same category as any other personal harm. To file a civil suit you have 2 years after the abuse. For minors the two years do not begin until they turn 18 and there are some clauses that allow later filings if one can prove that the damage done was not realized until a much later date. Perhaps that is not a difficult thing to show if one is referring to physical damage but emotional damage is so much more difficult to measure. You can't x-ray it or scan it or weigh it.

As I was scraping, sanding, and priming the exterior walls of my house this morning my mind revisited yesterday's conversation in the lawyer's office. My mind pondered the emotional toll of reporting abuse and the greater toll of reporting it publicly. Six years ago I did my reporting privately. It required everything I had inside to make it through that process.

Why did it take me over 25 years to report my perpetrator? I can't deny that I knew it needed to be done. I felt guilt for a number of years for not reporting him. The answer to my self directed question is this: I did not have the emotional strength or health needed to report Bob.

Deep inside of me were the lessons of my mom: don't rock the boat, don't draw attention to oneself, and surely it is better dealt with swept under the carpet. My brother was a pastor in the same denomination and I knew it would be a stink if the truth escaped. The shame I carried was massive, so massive in fact that I was convinced something was deeply wrong with me inside. For years after gaining an understanding of the dynamics of power/abuse relations, I still did not grasp the implications of that reality. In my heart I remained at fault for many, many years.

Could I go public now? Yes. Could I have gone public a year ago? Not without costing my soul more pain than I think I could have managed. Healing has been a long and arduous task. It has come in the end like a ball gaining momentum rolling down the hill. What was fought so hard for 5 years ago, suddenly appears in the most amazing ways now.

This then brings us back to the justice in a statute of limitations for sexual abuse. Is there justice in one? There is no statute of limitations for murder. What about the murder of a soul? Is it fair to allow a sexual abuser to go free just because he did such a good job at the emotional end of the abuse that the victim is incapable of reporting it until the allowed time has expired? In a sense the better the abuser, the more predatorial, the more manipulative, the better their chance of never having to face justice - on this earth.

A Visit with David Clohessy - January 20, 2007

Today was different. My brain was educated and my heart has much to ponder.

Today I picked up SNAP's (Survivors Network of those Abused by Priests) national president at the airport and chauffeured him around the big city for a press conference. If you are not familiar with David Clohessy you can Google his name and meet him. This is exactly what I did last night when my offer to pick him up and tote him around was accepted.

Whoa! The dude is in Wikepedia! A fact I don't think he was aware of prior to my informing him. David has been on all major networks, and interviewed by most talk show hosts. Major publications, like Time, have carried his articles and when someone news related needs a comment on pastoral misconduct they go to David. His own journey to becoming president of SNAP began at the hands of his own perpetrator.

So, what's he like? Nothing like one would expect such a notorious person to be. He is refreshingly real - and no better with directions than me! We spent quite a while roaming around some interesting sections of Atlanta looking for the lawyer's office. Once found, we were ushered in and I was even asked to help proof the press releases. I was also the official poster maker for the day.

Let's see...... Chauffeur, Editor, Advertising Agent - all in one day. Beats painting the house!

To the heart of things, David has me thinking about the importance of disclosure of the perpetrators name. Is he molesting the next door neighbor's kids? No pressure from David, just a question. One that God and I are going to have to wrestle out. What do you guys in blogger world feel about this?

Having never been a very politically active person - I think I have been heard to say things like I HATE POLITICS! - my cage was rattled a wee bit to be swept up into an announcement of new litigation filed against the ex-minister Earl Paulk. Feel free to Google him too. The list of accusations being handed the man will make you sick. Seems, he thought he was due a harem and he apparently collected and that is just starters as far as the law suit is concerned. Why is this type of behavior not illegal?

As I shared my own story with David, I watched and listened to the new me. That is who I was. Me. No striving for approval. No need for his acceptance. No need to be the constant center of attention. Healed and whole more than I even knew I could be and I didn't even realize how radical was the change until I sat down to write this.

Well, it is late and tomorrow I have to paint the house - or scrape, sand, patch, caulk, and prime it in order to get it ready to paint. I feel for the house....I have been there.