Today's Revelations

After spending the past few days a little under the weather and very depressed emotionally, I found a large volume of anger inside. I am in the process of acknowledging the anger and releasing it out of me.

I certainly have reason to be angry at the church government. I have reason to not trust them. Anger, however seems to do nothing to bring about change, but instead it ravages me. I am miserable when I am very angry. Once I recognize the anger and can find waves to vent it - usually emailing or talking to someone I trust - the emotional effect lessens.

After meeting with Bob and talking with him on two occassions on the phone, I realized that the past regional minister had been duped. Bob was upset but upset does not equal repentant. Neither is he flagrantly declaring he was not wrong. Instead he seems incapable of focussing his mind on any of it. He seemed to mentally dance around it all, and, when confronted with his own denial, appeared confused. To see himself clearly as God sees him is evidently beyond his capability. To me this is a sad existence. It is only in seeing truth that we experience God's grace. God's grace makes seeing truth worth it every time.

Sharing my desire to see mandatory psychological testing done with all reported cases of misconduct was far from embraced by Reg, the present regional minister. His further aluding to the fact that he disagrees with a fair amount of what I wrote him has me wondering what kind of Christian he is. And I am angry.

I am angry that he is not willing to take a stronger stand, that he seems to be aligning himself with Bob. "If you are not with me then you are with Bob," is not a very rational statement but I think it is reasonable for me to feel. It also frustrates me that Reg's lack of full response to my verbal appeal and my written letter has not occured. The first time he alluded to an answer but did not state it clearly. The second time he did not refer to my questions at all. Was that intentional? Surely it must be.

I am angry at Reg and the past top dog. I feel an attempt by both men to silence me and not stir things up for Bob's family. I am angry about Bob's silencing me for so many years. I am angry that society silenced me all those years.

I am angry that Tom seemed to want to silence my complaints, as well, in defending Reg to me. I am angry that the chair of the regional minsterial committee hasn't gotten back with me after he said he would. I hear, "Ignore her and she will eventually get quiet."

I feel as if too many men are patting me on the head and saying, "Now, now, don't be so upset," when in reality there is much to be upset about.

Don't worry, I know that I can't remain in this angry state. I know that it is good to find resolution and a place of release and forgiveness. I also know that stuffing it down isnt' the way to get there, at least for me it never works that way. I always seem doomed to experience the anger fully, face the damage and pain inflicted by others, and only then can I find resolution and the ability to release the other from my unforgiveness.

Di

Closure After Abuse

As I was defending my need to write a 2 1/2 page letter to the regional minister and expecting a reply to all the issues I discussed, I discovered why I am less driven to get online and post my thoughts.

Closure. This summer when I confronted Bob, I found my voice and I used it. I spoke truth. I spoke of my own pain. I confronted a man in denial with the reality he cannot see. In finding my voice, I found closure in my experience with my perpetrator.

While I have wanted to add to my story and fill in the blanks between the abuse and my present, I find it difficult to find the words. When I began the blog, I found it difficult to wait a few hours to post what I was feeling and the words filled the page easily.

Closure is evidently a real experience. Now to find that same closure with the church.

Di

Revision of Clergy Misconduct Policy

It seems that the church is going to review the misconduct policy. I received an email from the regional minister two days ago and the ministry commission followed his counsel to appoint a task force to review the misconduct policy. He tells me that I will be invited to share with this task force once it is functioning.

Emotions are strange things. I wish I could tell you that I am jumping up and down with joy. It would seem I have a reason to rejoice. Instead, I have felt sad and numb for the past two days. Too sad and too numb to write the post.

Reg's response was brief. He left several questions unanswered and several revelations unresponded to.

I talked with Tom about the reply and expressed my ambivalence. I think he is frustrated with me. He wants to defend Reg and does so, until I argue with him a while. He seems to trust Reg but I do not. God spoke to my heart that I could trust Tom. Before I ever talked with him, I knew he was part of my healing. I do not trust Reg. That doesn't mean he is not trustworthy but while I have faith that God has placed Tom in my life for good, I am not in the least bit sure of that with Reg.

Here is Reg's reply:

I wanted to just quickly respond that I got your letter. Even as you wrote it I suspect you knew that I would not agree with everything in it. Thankfully, I believe that agreeing with a person is not the criteria for care concern and compassion towards another person. We are called to love each other regardless of agreement so I want to extend to you my expression again of my concern and care for you.
This past weekend, the Regional board acted upon the recommendation I made that a task force be appointed to work on reviewing and updating our procedures for response to Sexual Misconduct by clergy. Because the Ministry Commission has such an incredible workload, we felt it would get things accomplished quicker if we appointed a separate panel. That panel is being appointed and as soon as they begin meeting we will find an opportunity for your input to them.
I can’t predict the time line right now, but wanted to let you know that we are serious about responding to the issues you have raised and want to do so in a timely fashion.

May God continue to bless you

Reg

I have no clue what he disagrees with. Perhaps I will ask him.

Di

The Power of a Golf Ball

Amazing thing, recreation is. I have taken up golf again and found it to be just what I need to get my mind and focus off of the stresses and anxieties of pastoral abuse and work as well. Nothing is quite like hitting that golf ball to release the tension and to give me a sense of accomplishment - when it goes somewhere near to where I intend. Oh heck, even when it lands in the creek, I enjoy it.

Teaching is hard. People think that teachers get this lovely 2 months or more off every summer. Well, in reality, teachers work those hours during the other 10 months. I still haven't gotten everything caught up from the start of school. Getting there but not there yet. Stress builds.

I have been reasonably at peace waiting these two weeks for Reg's reply to my letter. I talked to Tom this morning and he is expecting a positive reply and thinks, but is not sure, I will receive more than I am expecting. He has obviously been on the phone with Reg, but I did not ask too many details. Of course that makes my mind leap off in all sort of directions. My hope is to be asked to participate in a task force to strengthen the pastoral misconduct policy. Even better, I hope to hear that Tom himself is going to chair it. Now that would be a slice of heaven.

I went out to the driving range this afternoon and hit 75 golf balls and spent the rest of the afternoon and evening grading 600 papers to keep my mind off of it. Obviously the 75 golf balls did me the most good.

My talk with Tom this morning was just a casual one. I had requested it after I mailed the letter and this is the first time we could arrange our schedules. I have been ok so I didn't have much to talk about, but I didn't want to throw away the opportunity to just relate. Each time I talk with Tom, I come away with more healing. Piece by piece and bit by bit I find it. I also find an inner strength inside that I did not have when I began this blog. I am growing through this adventure and learning how to stand up for what is right. My view of myself is more secure and confident. My trust of my abilities grows.

In all of this I honor God's work. How appropriate and miraculous that the healing I am now receiving is coming through the heart of another pastor in the same denomination. It isn't just Tom though, it is the church. The church as a whole knows nothing of my past journey and I plan to keep it that way. They however have given me much of what I need, unconditional love and acceptance and a place to grow.

I will let all of you know when I hear from Reg. In the meantime I ask for your prayers. A less than positive response will not be easy to receive.

Reply Ready to Fly

My reply to Reg is finally written and will soon be in the mail. I have been waiting on my pastor, Tom's, input and he was out of town. When I saw him at church yesterday, he gave his go, said I did not need a letter from him to accompany mine because he had already done some behind the scenes work. He expects my letter to be received well.

As to what behind the scenes work Tom has done, I am trusting him and his heart. He seemed hesitant to fill me in on the details and I didn't push. If Tom won't tell me, it is usually because he is protecting someone else's confidence as I would want him to protect mine.

My husband wrote a letter to accompany mine, advocating for my voice to be heard. I will include it in a later post.

The highlights of my letter include a response to his "acceptance" of the differences in mine and Bob's story:

You are right that we both probably believe our own statement is true and that this should lead to a great deal of discomfort on the part of the hearer. However only one rendition is true and your statement that this must simply be accepted is completely unacceptable to me.

Much of my proposal is based on the premise that the discrepancies in our testimonies are reason for many red flags. It is a fact that few victims lie. It is also a fact, actually stated in the Church’s present policy, that many accused do lie. What is not stated and is even more disturbing is the fact that perpetrators exist who can so compartmentalize their memories that they display complete denial of the truth. With a denial of truth comes an inability to find repentance or internal change. Looking toward the future, this type of discrepancy must be dealt with, and the many ways I proposed dealing with it need to be heard, wrestled with, and done so by the whole commission.

In another paragraph I address the shocking revelation that the current file contains my agreement to the monitoring of Bob that was to occur:

Your statement that the file contains my approval of the monitoring process was shocking and grievous. I was unaware that I had held any voice or right to agree or disagree with this setup. I was unaware that my reticent and weak “ok” was being viewed as an official statement of agreement with the decision. No one sat down with me, as I now know the policy states, and I was not informed in the conversation that my agreement was being sought. Instead in an unannounced phone conversation from Tom Neal, I was informed that some type of monitoring would occur but was denied further information as to the form or extent of the monitoring. I remember Tom Neal repeating his statement and my feeling a sense of pressure from him to give some statement of agreement. I reluctantly and half heartedly gave an “ok”. I believe the exact words to his question of my agreement was “I guess,” not exactly a resounding agreement. Tom’s pressure now seems one more use of a pastor’s power to get what they need at my expense. This realization that my approval was sought in a less than forthright way is disturbing.

I also wrote a heartfelt appeal to Reg's evident decision that my voice not be heard by the state ministerial committee.

In the first and last paragraph, you state: “I assure you that your concerns will be presented to the Ministry Commission when they get going on revising the documents for ministry,” and “Again I assure you that I will make sure your input is received.” These statements appear to be a response to my request to present my own suggestions to the ministry commission. I am not content with your response. I have the unique ability to explain the needs of the victim from an experiential perspective. Though I appreciate your willingness to try, you, nor anyone else, can share with the passion or illumination that originates in my experience.

I have decided that in some way, my voice will be heard by the leadership of the Church. My desire is that this would happen in a similar setting and atmosphere as my conversation with you occurred. I desire to sit down and work with the Commission on Ministry as an invited individual with important experiences and strategies to suggest. I would like to be involved with a task force that is looking at and forming a newly revised policy. I am offering to give rather than to take.

If you remember, I asked (the previous state minister), via email, to be allowed to speak to the commission members, but my request never received a reply and the ministry commission met without me. I felt dishonored and silenced by this lack of acknowledgement. I need the present commission to offer me an opportunity to speak, as evidence of their good faith. I am requesting that you reconsider this decision and that you talk further with (the chair of the ministerial group) and other leaders on the commission before providing me with a clear answer to my request.

While other points are discussed, such as the role of an advocate, these 3 areas are the main thrust of my letter. Tom seems to think the road is paved for my reception. I remain in doubt, and by keeping my hopes at bay, prepare myself for the next step if I my request to speak is rejected.

I have to wonder if the state realizes that I probably have a valid law suit over the policy not being followed as it was written. While I have no desire to hold this over their head, it seems evident to me that I am offering a win-win scenario here. They have nothing to lose by accepting my input and a lot to lose if they do not. Out of my request, they gain important input and I gain the hearing of my voice by the region in which I was abused. They gain a strong and protective policy while I see powerfully positive results proceding from my pain. I believe God truly desires to turn the darkness into His light for all of us and I believe my chosen path is the path of God's desire for all. Pray that they will see this.

A Dream

There was a special rock thats existence was told to me. I longed to go see it, but when my friends went they left me behind. I was so upset that 3 of them chose to accompany me on the voyage though it was a strange and magical one.

This voyage occured largely in the mind.

Though the rock was only a short distance away, to be reached a land that could not be traversed had to be crossed. The only way to reach the stone was to go underground and follow the paths and tunnels that first dove deep into the land then climbed steeply upward to the rock.

The four of us began our decent, sneaking into the tunnel while others looked for us in the wrong places. Down we went into the stifling tunnels that caused my fear of being crushed wanted to scream. We stopped and the Presence drew us a map on the wall and my fear quieted as I saw where I needed to go. Down we inched with the Presence. Then we swooped and swooshed around corners and bends at a rapid rate as our feet were swept out from under us. The heat became unbearable and I longed to be free.

The bottom was reached and we began the long climb up. My muscles ached and we came to a ledge where my friends told me that they had been before and not to fear because in the end we would be fine. The inhabitants of this strange land took us and staked us out on the cliffs but as we spoke the stakes came apart, our bodies were freed, and we taught of our God and fed the people spiritual food as they shared their physical food with us.

Onward we needed to climb, leaving friends behind who had begun as enemies. We stepped and moved upward and each aching step seemed fruitless and small but carried hope for I knew the journey had been completed before. We became exhausted and fell asleep on yet another ledge , only to awaken and find ourselves in a battle for our lives. In the end there stood two sets of swords rising up from the ground, in honor of two of my fallen friends. What grief! This was not how this journey was to unfold. How could this happen? How could this magical world really exist and cause such pain? And then I knew!

I reentered the tube of tunnels and there they were waiting for us, the two that had fallen, alive and well and smiling. They said we were almost there and so we reached up and commanded our feet to move upward one more small step after another - wondering how we would have the strength to return.

Then suddenly there it stood, that rock so large and full of pebbles. So unique. So different from all the rock surrounding it. Soft and sedimentary, formed as pebbles landed on the bottom of some stream to be gathered together and solidified into one large stone. Around it was all fine grained and strained metamorphic rock that had undergone the stresses of time and the heat and pressure of immense strain. All of the rock had been changed. All of the rock had faced this horrible pressing and pushing and forcing into some other type of rock, and yet, miraculously stood this large lens of stone in the midst and it was unchanged.

And I knew that this stone resided in my heart, one piece protected by God, unchanged from his original purpose and still soft, waiting.....

Emotions and a Response

The past several days have been busy with 7th graders and labs. The evenings have been emotional. Though I tried to sit and compose my reply to Reg, I found I could not. I could not write a post either. Finally last night, I let all the anger come to the surface. I thought I was going to explode. Then with the anger readily available, I worked on what was my stuff and what was Reg's.

Interestingly, earlier in the day, I had spoken to one of my students who had received the brunt of some bullying in my homeroom class. He was in tears. As I comforted him, I heard myself teaching: Greg, I want you to think about this. When someone treats you like that, it is not a statement about who you are, but rather a very loud statement about who they are. What the other boys did does not define you Greg, but rather it says a lot about Tom and Jack. I could see his wheels turning.

And so also did mine last night. I had to unload the gun. I was ready to fire. When I am that angry, it is usually because I am letting someone else have more power in my life than they deserve. I arose from bed this morning able to write for the first time in days. Rather than calling Reg the names I wanted to call him last night, I was able to compose a first draft that is clear if not concise.

I reiterated my feelings on sharing with the ministerial leaders of the state.

"I have decided that in some way, my voice will be heard by the leadership of the Church. My desire is that this would happen in a similar setting and atmosphere as my conversation with you occurred. I desire to sit down and work with the (leaders of the state) as an invited individual with important experiences and strategies to suggest. I would love to be involved with a task force that is looking at and forming a newly revised policy. I am offering to give rather than to take. This is something few victims can do or would offer to do."

As you can see, I added a little more umph to my appeal.

In Reg's response to me, he informed me that it was in the file that I had agreed to the monitoring being set up on Bob. This was news to me, but as I thought about it, I did remember the previous minister pressing me as to my verbal response to his informing me that some type of monitoring would occur. I was not happy that he was unwilling to inform me of the details but in the moment of a phone call, I simply replied "ok". My tone was hesitant. I only gave the ok as I was pushed to do so.

I told Reg of this memory and shock that something so informal and of which I was totally unaware of it being viewed official was in the file. I feel as if I was tricked into something I was unaware of.

"I remember being told that some type of monitoring would occur. I was not given any detail, even though I questioned it, nor was it suggested that I had the right to disagree with the decision. I was unaware that my “ok” was being interpreted as giving my approval. I do remember some intensity on TN’s part, over the phone, to get me to give some sense of agreement, though at the time I was reticent and in the present this seems one more use of a pastor’s power to get what they need at my expense. Let me just reiterate that I was unaware that my opinion carried any weight or purpose. I feel now that I was coerced into giving a weak statement of agreement that was then recorded as something I did not even know I had given."

As you can see this is not something I want to see in the denomination I attend. Pure out and out deceit on their part or at least on the part of one man who attempted to run the whole show. Now, I am beginning to expect it. Shut the victims up and get through this as quickly and painlessly as possible seems to be the "justice" of the church.

I am hearing it once again from another regional minister. "No, you may not speak," is being spoken again. It will only require one more "no" for them to discover my "yes" is much louder.

I repeat - sadly but determined. I will not be silenced. Truth will prevail. Truth will be heard. It will be their decision as to whether they choose to embrace it but they will hear it. Let them face their God with their fingers in their ears, if they choose. However, they cannot defeat truth as long as our God lives.

The Pain of Sexual Abuse Continues

It doesn't stop. It still inflicts its pain. I guess it will until heads are out of the sand and shame is destroyed along with the lies people choose to believe.

Tonight as I told my mom that I was sharing the children's sermon in two weeks, she challenged, "Why don't you both join the church?" I am not even sure how I answered her. I remember telling her that it might not ever happen. Talk about timing?! It wasn't her intent to hurt me and to answer her honestly would have hurt her. I do not want to hurt her.

So, on other hard questions. What do I want my reply to Reg to say?

1. I want it to be forthright and not murky as his reply to me was. I am not a murky person. I prefer to speak the truth in love. I believe God honors that.



2. I want to be honest in letting him know that I do not intend to remain silent in this. I do not want that to sound like a threat though.



3. I want to open his eyes to the fact that those he is trying to protect from the embarrassment of this issue are going to be hurt more if I am shut out.



4. I want to impress upon him that this is a passionate issue and the passion cannot be removed from it.



5. I want to say that though his intent might be to share my points, since he seemed to not agree with them, he cannot do them the same justice I can.



6. I want to challenge his statement on accepting the differences in mine and Bob's story. This is very dangerous and I want to point that out to him.



7. I want to make it clear that I was never given the opportunity to give my opinion of the monitoring of Bob. I was TOLD that some would occur but not given any details and lead to believe I was not welcome to them. That is very different from saying I supported the direction it was going.



8. I also want to make it clear that I requested to talk with the previous state minister about an advocate after having originally been unsure of that desire. And I asked to speak directly to the state ministerial committee. My email was never answered.



9. He states there was some form of a response team but they never contacted me. I would like to know if there names are listed and if it was noted as to why I was not contacted by them.

I also intend to send the letter to the chair of the state ministerial commission.

I do not expect to be heard or to be allowed to speak. Yet, I have to try before I can take other roads to being heard. I forwarded Reg's email to David Clohessy yesterday and heard back from him today. He is the national leader of SNAP. I replied to his reply asking if he would help me if I decide to go public with this. He said he would be honored to help me. I hope it never comes to that. God, please open their eyes! This cannot be avoided. It has to be faced no matter how uncomfortable.

I am reminded of Trey Morgan's blog (http://www.treymorgan.net/2007/03/sexual-misconduct-among-church-leaders.html) and this quote:

"There are more questions that need to be answered. And this is a subject that we "as Christians and as a church" have ignored. "

I thank you Trey for not sticking your head in the sand! I wish you had the power to pull a few out for me right now. I wish all ministers were like you. Once again the church has hurt me. But men like Trey and Tom stand in righteousness and in the heart of Christ. I thank God for them.

Di

Di

The State Minister Avoids Truth

Is it possible to accept both my statement and Bob's as truth?

No. One of us is not being truthful. Either I am lying. Bob is lying. I have deceived myself and believe I am telling the truth but am not. Or Bob has deceived himself and believes he is telling the truth but is not. (And yes, I know those are not complete sentences but it reads easier that way, fellow educators and writers.)

I have no reason to lie if Bob's truth is the truth. So be it. It was still abuse. He was still my youth pastor. There is no more shame in it for me that way. If it was true I would simply say it was true. He however has much to lose. It is the difference between his being a pedophile and predator or making a one time mistake. Big difference. Big difference in how many victims still exist out there hurting like me.

Reg, emailed me his reply today. He chooses to believe both of us, which essentially says he believes some weird kind of lie. Let me quote him:

"I believe honestly that your story is true. I also believe Bob’s recounting is true as well. Even though the statements may indeed differ, I believe both can be true statements of what each person believes. That difference, though it is uncomfortable, cannot be eliminated. It must simply be accepted."

No it cannot be accepted! This goes against my whole push for testing of perpetrators. It needs to make us uncomfortable enough to do something to stop the Bob's ever abusing again. We cannot simply say, oh my this makes me uncomfortable but I must accept it!!! That is not what God says. He says His word discerns the truth and rightly divides the truth from lies. Let him divide it. I stand before him willing to have that truth divided. Why, because I speak the truth. Anything I have been gray on I have avoided sharing.

As one of my books said earlier this week: "You will see the truth and after it has caused you to flinch a few times it will set you free." I can handle Bob's inability to see the truth - he is a sick sociopath and as such isn't supposed to be able to see the truth. Reg however is not supposed to be sociopathic but he sure has his head in the sand.

I am in shock. Reg says HE will share with the state ministers my desires. This is in direct opposition to what I requested. I choose to share it myself. It will cost me to do what I may need to do but it will cost me more to remain silent.

I called Tom, who read the email reply and called me back this evening to talk more. His statement was to remain calm and know this is not the end of it. I hope the rest of the ministerial commission is more like Tom than Reg. Our plan is to pray for a few days and contemplate on our reply to Reg. We (Tom is using the "We".) need to work at getting from point A (me not sharing in person) to point B (me sharing in person). I explained to Tom why Reg could not do this for me. He didn't even support my suggestions. He did not want the mandatory testing. There is no way he can present that in a convincing way. I can though.

Tom is very aware that I will not stop if not allowed to speak at the state ministers leadership committee. I have told him that I can easily send a letter to every church in this state and the two other states that Bob pastored in. I can explain my mission and tell my story. I can make phone calls. I can even talk to the national group working on this same issue.

This is very hard my friends. I thank God for my husband who has come to me and hugged and held me many times tonight and my pastor who unconditionally believes every word I have spoken.

Di

Faith

Have you ever stepped out in faith and then realized that you left your faith somewhere back behind you. That is what I realized a few moments ago.

I have contacted the state minister and now the chair of the state ministerial team, both out of a sense of God's purpose. Suddenly I realize that I have little faith that either will respond in such a way as to accomplish much. My expectation is that they will sound good but offer little.

I was wondering if this was just my own transference from past experiences, when I realized that it is not simply a matter of trusting them but also of trusting God. I know that when we trust God, it does not always mean that we are trusting him to work it out the way we want. Instead, I know that trusting God means that I believe He will work it out with his arms around me and with nothing for naught. In the least, my heart will be changed and I will grow. Whatever happens, His arms of grace and healing and strength will surround me. If I cannot look into the eyes of men and believe they will come through for me and other victims, I can look into the eyes of God and believe He will stand with me, proud of me, never tiring of working His will, His love, His mercy, His strength, and His grace into my life.