How about you, have you ever talked about sex with a member of the opposite sex who you were not emotionally or sexually involved with? It is not exactly most people's choice of a dinner table conversation.Bob was a pro. He could talk about sex as if it was the weather. At 17, I found that fascinating and tantalizing and freeing. He awed me talking about a topic that my parents could not even admit existed. Yet, he too bent the topic and made it unhealthy.
I have now, in my marriage, an open and vulnerable and safe relationship and sex has never been better. Being so completely open and vulnerable with one you love and trust is a heady sensation - knowing your imperfections are accepted as you accept his. Safe and secure and sex all go together so nicely! And fun too. I am learning that sometimes sex is just for fun.
I needed to take the topic out and discuss it and perhaps undo some of what Bob did. So, I did just that in another safe and secure environment. This week with my therapist, Dan, I talked. And, he talked. It was a really neat conversation. Personal but with healthy boundaries. Sex was not shameful and neither of us felt shame. We talked about our very human thoughts and lusts. I talked openly. More openly than I think I ever have. It was so freeing and safe. I celebrated my own boundaries and the healthy way I handle myself now.
So, I talked about sex with a man 15 years younger and felt sexual and knew he surely did too. Neither of us needed to use the other. We both had boundaries and we both cared for one another.
I wouldn't recommend this with someone that isn't a professional, but with a professional, it was freeing and what a long way from the sex conversations with Bob!
Posts
2 comments:
When I attended SA meetings (I was convicnced I was a sexual addict but am not so sure if I believe that now) one thing that was drilled in our heads was to NEVER have a male therapist or discuss anything sexual with any male other than our partner.
Hmm. I have always preferred male therapists/counselors because in many ways I am more male than female when it comes to sexual things. Talking to a woman didn't help me because they didn't seem to get it from a personal or professional perspective.
It seems that you and Dan have a very healthy and professional relationship, yet you said you felt sexual while talking to him. Is that a good thing? I have never found a man, professional or not, that I could discuss intimate sexual things with and not be affected by it. It fascinates me that you are able to do that.
Maybe its because you are married and therefore have a sexual outlet to meet your needs. I am the opposite - constantly trying to suppress mine.
Anyhow, I enjoy your blog and am so glad you have the courage and willingness to share your story and thoughts here! Don't stop!
Barbara, I am so glad you commented. I get so tired of no comments! I feel like I am talking to myself. :-)
I am not sure why you were told that and while I see the safety issue, I also see bars keeping you from freedom. Some therapists cross lines. There are folks out there that have been abused by therapists the same way I was by pastors. Most don't.
I have seen two male therapists now. John and Dan. Both are smart guys with good boundaries. Both have seen lots and lots of other women. I have done work with Cheryl that I could not have done with either of them and vice versa. I needed a man to work some of this out with.
I am not sure how to get a therapist recommendation but I think it is safer to pick someone who is in practice with others. I would imagine the lone wolf to be more dangerous. Dan is in practice with a large number of other therapists.
If you are at the point that you can take care of yourself and walk away from a relationship that is harmful to you then I see no reason to not risk.
I hate legalism.
I used to feel far more male than female sexually too. I think now that it was perception. There are plenty of women who feel as much desire for sex as I have - I just didn't know it.
Can anyone talk about sex and not physically respond? I feel mildly sexual now. We are programmed to feel sexual and talking about sex is stimulating. Our brain signals the hormones and they flow. Our bodies respond. It is the way we are made.
I used to feel very afraid of those very human feelings. I fretted over them and was scared I might act upon them - even with Cheryl.
The other night talking with Dan I felt normal sexual stimulation but it was just hormones. It is human. It is ok to be human. It wasn't a choice to cross boundaries. I no longer need to cross boundaries in order to believe I am special to someone.
I know this about myself: The harder I tried to suppress something the more it wants out. I am not saying go do something you will regret, but I would say work with a shrink who can help you get at what it really is you are seeking.
For me acceptance and affirmation and approval were all tangled up with the sex in a very confusing mess. It has taken a lot of work to clean that mess up and I really didn't believe I could ever reach this point but I have.
I can feel sexual but not guilty for feeling it. Wow.
When I first started seeing John, I shook in my boots because I was feeling desire for him. I told him. He sort of chuckled and said, Di I would think it very odd if you didn't feel sexual towards me as long as we share this intimate relationship. It hit me that he was right.
I would encourage you to consider going for it. Find and build a safe relationship with a therapist and tell him what it is you fear. Talk about what you have been told. Be open about your sexual feelings and the fighting to shut yourself down. If he is worth the money he will walk you through it all until you find freedom. It won't be easy and all sorts of feelings will surface but that is good. It means you are ready to deal with them.
Thanks for being open Barbara. Not too many folks have the ability. You should admire the courage you have in doing so.
Di
Post a Comment