Monday, April 14, 2008

More Shame Defeated; More Questions Asked


My visit with Dan last week melted that shame away. (Read the last post.) When I am in the thick of it, I can't see the way out, but I have learned if I will talk, the shame will fade. In talking with Dan there truly is no shame. Quite an amazing relationship. Could this be the way God desires to relate to us?


Guilt if appropriate is healthy, but when shame coats your life it destroys everything - even your ability to walk away from things that lead to more shame. Shame becomes a force of its own devouring all truth.


As a child I began masturbating around the age of 9 or 10. According to Dan, not unusual for a female. This was a long time ago and at least in my home this subject was not acknowledged. Instead anything to do with one's sexuality was avoided and the message that parts of my body were dirty and yukky was instilled.


I thought I must be really weird and rather childishly believed that something must be wrong and evil about me to have discovered this new experience. I could not imagine how I stumbled onto such an intense happening. I assumed I was the only person to have ever done this. When I discussed with Dan the drive I had felt at that age and how horrible I felt about myself, (I think I used the word horrendous. I saw myself as horrendous.) he reminded me that what we despise in ourselves often becomes our focus as we try to work out the issue outside of our minds. If masturbation is OK and a natural part of growing up, we imbibe but are not so driven. If we are hiding it in shame and darkness, it begins to consume us mentally and then physically.


Dismantling this past with Dan and talking without any shame, I found freedom from my present sense of shame. I wish I could develop a recipe that always worked one certain way, but one ingredient I have discovered is that freedom from shame ALWAYS involves bringing the issue into the open and out into the light. At first it took a lot of talking to break myself of the self hatred that accompanies the shame. As I have gained more health the amount of talking has greatly decreased. Extending grace to myself comes much more easily and being human is something I rejoice in.


So the shame issue is dealt with for the moment but the faith issue is not. On one hand, I feel as if I am embracing the reality of God's grace and so much of what I have learned in therapy has aligned with the message of grace. Law brings death. Grace brings life and freedom.


This sounds good but so much of the Bible is law. Go back to Leviticus and you find it says, It is better to put your seed into a whore than to spill it on the ground. Now, I am sorry but that sounds like some pretty stupid advice. Should I recommend this to the students I teach? I think not!


Yes, I understand that the author was coming from a totally different view of "seed." I also know that for years I said I believed that the Bible was THE infallible word of God. If that is so then what has brought me life isn't supposed to work. So I can continue to lean toward another more frightening view of the Bible - that it is human composed and while inspired by God it was filtered through humans, or I can say that I belief it IS completely God's word and continue to throw out the parts I don't like which really means I am lying to myself. You know, like woman having the heads covered. I haven't ever covered my head unless it is freezing outside.


So what is the answer? It is a scary question.


Tom, my pastor, says that doubt is not separate from faith but part of it. It was a lot more comfortable though when I just stuffed my questions away and did not try to answer them.

2 comments:

Bar L. said...

For a minute I wondered if I wrote this post....so much of it sounds just like me (except for having a therapist named Dan!)

I struggle with the exact same questions related to God's Word and think my life was so much easier when I followed along unquestioning what I was "taught" in church.

One of my issues with my past, which is similar to yours, is that I feel shame for not feeling shame.
I should feel shame for what I did, but I often don't, but I am very ashamed of that!

di said...

Barbara, the questions about God scare me but what is there to do but be honest and trust that if God is really there then He is in this season of my life as well.

For the past 8 years I have trusted my "gut" over and over in this healing process. Either it is me and I am really awesome at this stuff or it is the Holy Spirit. If it is God, as I want it to be, then I just have to trust that this is part of the journey too.

Hmmm. Your comment about feeling shame about not feeling shame reminds me of a truth I learned back a ways.

Feeling shame does not keep you safe.

I beat myself up all those years emotionally because I erroneously believed it would keep me safe from that part of myself that I feared.

Feeling shame for whatever you once did will not help you. Truth sets you free; it doesn't imprison you. Recognizing mistakes and handling yourself with love allows healing to flow and at least in my experience has allowed me to find my boundaries and grow to trust myself.

Several years ago when I was at the bottom, emotionally naked and very vulnerable, and without support from my husband; I had what I might call a mini-affair. It was wrong and I spilled my guts and together we went to counseling and our marriage is what I have always wanted and needed now.

With Dan's help I got through that time without ever experiencing a depth of shame. I had done enough work with Cheryl that I knew it would only make things worse. Instead I was truly sorry and I worked at my marriage along with my husband who was now willing to get help with me.

When I look back now I kind of feel guilty for not feeling shame for that period. I think - gee I crossed boundaries and messed up and even though I never had intercourse there was some sexual involvement - shouldn't I feel bad about it?

I can see why I messed up - I was very vulnerable. I had dismantled the shame that I used to protect myself but had not established healthy boundaries. My marriage had problems. I transfered all sorts of stuff all over the guy I was involved with.

It does feel rather weird to not hate myself for that - but I am glad I don't.

Di