I shared with Paul this evening about the two me's that existed when I was 17. The me that was seeking God and the me that was sleeping with Bob. Paul asked me how I felt about those two me's. My feelings shocked me. I felt love and compassion and understanding towards the me who was having sex with Bob. I have accepted her and love her. That step has been real for me. However, I feel anger and hatred towards the me who was seeking God. This completely shocked me. Why would I hate her? For what am I angry?
The picture I see of her is a young lady walking away from me with her back turned. Is my hatred for her coming out of my shame over my questioning God? Am I angry at her because she has all the answers and I now have none of them? At the same time I love and identify with the humaness of me that was sleeping with Bob.
I am not sure of the answers, only of the feelings.
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hmmm.... the judgment that rises up inside of us towards ourselves...
I'm not surprised at your response. I don't know about you, but my judgment toward myself includes anger over "I didn't do enough." I didn't/couldn't take care of business and "do it right," "I should have and I didn't," "I should have been able to hear God and follow Him," "See where my failure hurt me and others," and on and on. It's a theme Father has been working on in me for a long time...shedding the "should-ies."
Make sense?
The judgment hall in "The Shack" really brought some of that into focus a bit better for me. Do I forgive her (me)? Do I really let her off the hook for her failures? Do I hand her up to God's loving care and put her under the work of the cross? Do I let go of my expectations of her and rest in my inadequacies? God, help me!!
This may or may not be some of the stuff that came up in you. But thanks for the chance to let me put it on "paper" for me!
Love you good,
Sarah
Hi Sarah, that judgment hall in the shack got to me more than any other part of the book. What hit me was my judgment of God. I remain rather angry at Him. But, I am able to admit he exists now.
Paul asked me to simply note any time I was being hard on myself this week. For one, I am hard on myself for not knowing the answer, and for taking so long in this journey.
Shouldn't I be finished by now? 8 years of work with a therapist and many more before that. That sense of shame is not new. I think I felt it as early as my second year in dealing with this.
It is so nice to know a fellow human who also struggles in this arena of self judgment. I love you, Sarah.
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