Well, did I?
I had an interesting conversation with my therapist this past week on this very subject. I told John that at one time I truly believed that for some reason I was an abuse magnet, that somehow something was terribly flawed about me. I mean, I actually attracted this twice in my life and neither time was I out to get what I got. I was not throwing myself at these pastors. Yet, they both offered me a sense of being special and in both cases I accepted the relationship.
Did I sin?
If you check out some of the sites I have linked to my blog, you will find references that say it was not me at all but the responsibility of the pastor - 100%. Because a pastor like a therapist holds so much power in the relationship, the victim really can't consent. A concentual relationship can only occur in a relationship of equal power.
Yet, I have had a hard time swallowing that and have wrestled lately with it once again. This wrestling is not one based on shame or self hatred but rather on simply facing truth.
In discussing this question of my sin with my pastor Tom, he first sited scripture and then offered possible insight:
"In response to your question a scripture came to mind. Luke 17:1-3 1Jesus said to his disciples: "Things that cause people to sin are bound to come, but woe to that person through whom they come. 2It would be better for him to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around his neck than for him to cause one of these little ones to sin.
As I read this Jesus is saying both/and. Yes there is sin involved, BUT who does he reserve the harsh judgment for? The one who caused his 'little one' to sin. I think Jesus is saying to me, and maybe you, confess your part in all this, but recognize you were victimized, that another set you up to sin, placed the temptation before you and abused the role God had placed them in; be they Apostle, Elder, Deacon, Teacher, Youth Director, Supervisor, or Pastor. "
John's thoughts were different. He proposed that the full responsibility has to reside in the pastor or therapist (He being a therapist, he has dealt with this issue personally.). If a client or parishoner comes to one and needs to act out in order to find their own healthy boundaries or to find they have value outside of abuse, if the pastor does not hold the total responsibility, healing has no chance to flow. The client must be free to seek that healing even if it means testing boundaries.
My thoughts are finding this expression:
I made choices that hurt me and I think I bear some responsibility, particularly for the second decision I made. I was no longer a child. I thought very differently and knew I was hurting myself. Perhaps, my sin stops there. It is the pastor's responsibility to care for the sheep and the church as a whole. His sin goes far beyond the scope of hurting himself - though that too is very true. He deeply damages an individual who looks to him as God's representative. He misuses power and turns it to control. He turns his back on God's calling on his life and breaks covenant with God over his promise to serve as a shepherd to the sheep. If caught, he damages many. The pastor ultimately holds responsibility for himself, the individual, and the church as a whole. The victim holds responsibility for herself.
Could that be the answer? Regardless as to the fullness of truth there, Tom once said to me that it was in the hard questions and wrestlings that we find God. So, I wrestle.
Posts
10 comments:
Sweet Di,
Sharks smell blood. Wounded people often attract predators. It is the nature of the predator to want to harm and the nature of the other to bleed when wounded.
I am praying
Have a blessed Mother's Day tomorrow my sister
Peace and prayers
neva
Yes, you are right. Great analogy.
I recognize another possibility is that there are lots of pastoral abusers out there. You throw the dice and get the same thing twice on many occasions. Estimates are high. 13% is about the lowest I have found.
By the way the preying mantis pictured above, eats not only other insects but her mate as well. Empowering.....
Just teasing! :-)
Neva, you are an encourager by nature and you didn't answer my question as to whether I sinned.
What do you think out there blogging world? It is not an easy question to answer.
Di
Di,
I hope to make sense out of what I write. I felt like an abuse magnet also, from a little child until an adult. After counseling and learning to listen to me and stand up for me, I healed inside and out and was no longer a magnet.
I too found myself taking part of the blame for the sin. I felt responsible. I wanted to be responsible. If I were responsible or somewhat responsible, then I wouldn't have had a moment in my life that I had no control over. Having no control to a victim is by far much worse than being part responsible. Accepting the fact that control and power were totally in the hands of someone else is a hard, difficult step to take.
To a victim, responsible verses no control, being responsible wins every time.
If you had been older and had had more life experience he would not have victimized you.
One more thing, I realized about 4 weeks ago that Christ’s blood on the cross would not, could not and did not wash away my sins in the abuse……..because they were NOT my sins, but the perpetrators.
I love you 2-3-6
Monalea
Monolea,
You said: "If I were responsible or somewhat responsible, then I wouldn't have had a moment in my life that I had no control over."
Now that is food for deep thought and a therapy session. I do not like the thought of having no control - perhaps I need to face that more fully. Perhaps that is why I still wrestle with this question.
I have no doubt that my recent desire to face Bob and the thrill after talking with him on the phone, was directly related to the fact that he no longer had control of me. I (the me that includes the Holy Spirit) was very much in control of myself during that phone call. With that control came elation, but with loss of control anxiety rockets through the ceiling.
(Tom hates it when I do this but he is the only way I can apply this to the present, so forgive me Tom if you are reading this. You have shown me wonderful integrity and agape and healing is mine because of it.)
If my pastor Tom then made inappropriate moves toward me, would I hold no responsibility to say "no"?
I realize this is different from the child and even different from the me of a few years ago. Yet I think it is important to remember that a great deal of pastoral sexual misconduct occurs between pastor and adult. Does an adult have no control in such a situation? Is it possible that this has a "grey" answer depending upon the emotional health of the adult? Yet, because that cannot always be gauged the pastor must always assume 100% responsibility from his view point.
I feel that I hold responsibility if my pastor were to accost me, perhaps because I now can. Inside I am no longer the child trying to work through the old abuse again in a new way. I am capable for the first time in my life of caring for myself in many ways. Yet, I am probably less capable than others who have never walked this path.
I now have boundaries and even argued with Tom at the beginning of our relatioship because he kept insisting that his boundaries were strong enough for both of us. I felt as if he were not recognizing mine and that really irritated me -after all I had spent a great deal of effort developing them. Surely double paned glass is the better insulator.
But what if I didn't now have boundaries? Is it feasible that the scripture applies that says "to whom much has been given, much is required". As healing has come, am I more responsible?
Or is it always 100% Tom's responsibility to maintain boundaries.
Can it not be both?
It is always 100% his responsibility. It is mine to whatever degree of health I can walk in. Scary that last statement. I have to face the fact that things could surface in me that would temporarily disable my boundaries with Tom. If so, then I have to say that before God he would carry the whole responsibility. And I thank God he has the health and strength to do that.
No wonder I was absolutely terrified about having a pastor again!
Di
Di,
I was not there, my friend, but from what I understand, you were a child and as such, were taken advantage of by an adult. I have often wondered the same about Bathsheba--a married woman and yet summoned by THE KING. Was she at fault?
I dont know a lot of things, but I know there are many ways to be led into sin--willfully, skipping, singing all the way, having all the facts, and still choosing. There are the kinds of sins where we are in volatile situation and we get caught up in the heat of the moment (like when a man catches his wife in bed with another and beats them both), and then there are sins that we have were tricked into only to discover later they were sins. I am sure there are others Was it a sinful situation? Absolutely! Did he sin? Absolutely! To me, he took advantage of his position just as David did. God was not pleased!
As for your situation, my answer is, I dont know. As to whether that sin, if there was one, is counted against you, my answer is a resounding NO---I believe you have experienced much healing and forgiveness and if there was any fault, the blood of Jesus has taken it away. I know you are still paying the consequences (just as Bathsheba did for David's sin) and still suffering.
I would not be concerned about that anymore, I would encourage you to focus on how to keep from sinning now. How to not let the past wounds cause you to harden your heart to the point you are enraged and you begin to hate this man.
I realize there are still very deep wounds and that therapeutic healing must take place. You are growing in spite of your wounds, in spite of the past and eventually I believe you will be able to lift your head up and look forward---(Your face already looks that way anyway :) )
I have truly not stopped praying for you-- and I know we worship a God who can raise the dead and can most certainly heal a wounded soul.
If I could, I would take your heartpain for a short time so you could experience a time of peace and rest--and your spirit could smile. Since that is not possible--I will pray.
Neva
Neva, what a great scripture to remind us all of - Bathsheba. Now that is an awesome reference. I will remember to use that!
The greatest thing about that story is that Christ was given through the decendents of David and Bathsheba. No matter whose the sin was - God's grace was greater.
I wonder what Trey would say to all this... hey Trey, you out there?
And keep praying, Neva. It is a hard season. Yet, I am in no hurry for complete peace. I chose to enter this season of emotional turmoil so that this could be finished. This has and is not always on my plate. Often it has been set aside in the cabinet - but the timing is God's and I embraced it, to once again find His healing.
Di
I am way under-qualified to be in this company, so I hesitate on offering much. I amen the discussion on this post and others. It is an interesting question.
My answer would be if there was a choice then it could be your sin. I could probably think of exceptions to that so I am going to leave it at that.
Maybe your sin was in knowing you should turn to God but not doing that? I am certainly not trying to bring up another issue or guilt for you. I am simply saying that we all sin and should accept what is ours, deal with it, ask acknowledge and receive the forgiveness and don't worry about it anymore. I do know that he wants us to dwell in the healing and not the sin. I think you are doing that.
I will keep visiting - I wish I could offer more. Thanks for the invite!
Kathy
Kathy, don't worry about more guilt on my behalf. I have known God's grace and mercy and forgiveness in whatever areas I needed it for many years.
As far as my own self imposed shame, it too is about defeated and it is only on rough days that it can on occasion find me.
I think it very important that to a new survivor or one first facing the truth of the abuse that one be careful to take clues from where they are and what they need. I think few if any victims are too easy on themselves. Almost everyone blames themselves.
In the beginning I think it very, very important to focus on the victimization and responsibility of the adult or person in power. It is a hard thing to digest if one was not a small child when it began.
No one has asked a harder question and that is - what is sin? I think ultimately it is something that hurts ourselves or others. Isn't that God's motivation. He is not a despot to make rules for the sake of rules. Like a caring parent, aren't his rules there out of love?
Di
Di,
I read through this with great interest. Three women giving you fantastic advise and wisdom. God planted these three women in your life to encourage you, pray for you and challenge you. Listen carefully to what they say!
Post a Comment