In my last post I asked myself a hard question. How do I make sure I leave the victim mentality behind. I have had some good responses and hard questions asked of me. In considering the questions, it occured to me that a post I had written a month ago might have the answer. The My Stuff/ Their Stuff concept seems to play a major role in my letting go of being a victim.
As long as Bob's actions were about me then I remained a victim. To whatever degree any of that lies hidden inside of me, I still remain a victim. When I see Bob's abuse as a statement about him and not me, then I am not a victim and in a sense never was. I am only a victim if I allow his actions to define me.
At first, the abuse was my fault. I was an abuse magnet. Then slowly I came to see he was a predator but I still hated the needy part of myself that allowed the abuse. After dealing with the self hatred, it took some time for me to fully face the degree of abuse and predation he purpetrated on me. Why? Because I believed it was about me. For example: Though I remembered for years that Bob had set me up to keep his friend Charlie company and had felt he wanted me to entertain him sexually, it was not until a few months ago that I realized the fact that he was actually pimping me off on Charlie. Though it was right in front of my face, I couldn't see it. Why? Because, at one time it would have defined me as a whore.
Somewhere along the way, I stopped letting others define me so easily and when I discovered myself back in a "Bob's abuse" season, the experience defined him as a sexual addict and a sadistic and cruel one. His behavior did not define me and I could see it clearly and in a new light.
In the present - his choice of meeting with me or not - is not about me. I have been surprisingly fine with waiting to recontact him. I didn't expect to reach a point of being fine and focussing most of my time on other day to day issues. I was ready for more turmoil than this has caused. I have found strength that I was not aware existed inside of me.
Bob's decision will be about him, his courage or lack of it, his ability to look at truth or his lack of ability, his degree of repentance and recovery, etc. He has tried to make it about me - first as to whether I was still extremely angry, then to whether my therapist is supportive of my doing this and feels I can handle it, and finally to whether my therapist was a quack and pushing me into doing this as the only way to find healing. None are true and he has been told that 4 times now. Three times by me and once through Tom's conversation with his son-in-law, Michael. I expect to hear it again if he decides to not meet with me. I intend to tell him that his decision has to be about him and his need - that I am quite healthy enough to decide my own.
We can all work things out in the therapist's office, but sooner or later we have to work it out in our everyday lives. I am doing that in a deliberate, chosen way with Bob. His stuff is his. His actions and choices are about him. They aren't about me.
I believe this is refusing to be the victim. :-) And, it feels good.
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5 comments:
You are right, what is his is his.
It has been my observation that after someone is victimized they either play the role of a victim throughout their life, they become an aggressor or they learn to be resilient.
Being an aggressor can be easily shown when an abused child becomes an abuser to their child because of anger or example. But it also shows up when the victim wants to get even, or revenge on the abuser. They may be seeking resolution but are not able to find it.
The concept of being resilient is one I have been thinking of a lot lately. Feel free to view my posts on the subject. I have known many people that are victims: of cancer, abuse, neglect, natural disasters, poverty... It is the ones that have come to terms with the situation and have decided to not be a victim and not be an aggressor (being angry and resentful because they have cancer or their house was blown away) that end up bouncing back and are able to go on with life in a more healthy and productive way.
I think that everyone experiences victimization at some point in their life. It is what we chose to do with it that makes a difference in the rest of our life. Neva uses an example about victims bleeding and predators seeking out blood. That is true so at some point you have to quit bleeding or you will keep getting attacked. What I want to teach my kids to do is to learn to bounce back: trust God, work for improvement and hold no resentment or guilt.
These are just a few more of my thoughts. Maybe the key to not being a victim is to change your focus to being resilient.
Kathy
It might be helpful for me to leave my site address: preachershouse.wordpress.com/
If you go to the previous posts list you will find the top 'Resilience'. There you will find several on the topic. Please leave comments and fill out the survey. I am interested in different views.
Kathy, before I go read your blog, I needed to respond and not lose a couple of thoughts.
I hear a lot of truth and wisdom in your concept of resilience but I also see a caution.
For some, making that choice will take a great deal of work and many years. A few may not ever be able to make it. I want to be careful to not judge them.
While I find myself at a place and time in which I am choosing to lay down any remnant of victimization, if someone had placed your words in my lap 6 years ago when I was first facing the damage, I would have only met my own condemnation and shame.
I could not have ever gotten to the place of turning away from a sense of victimization had I not first dealt with some other more basic issues. Because I tend to be so hard on myself, choosing resilience and putting aside the victimization might have taken on the unhealthy act of "stuffing" it all back inside.
Like everything in life, there is a time......and there is a time to walk away from the victimization BUT if someone is not ready and cannot do it because of other unhealed areas of their lives, then we must be very careful to not deny them times of grief and sadness and anger and whatever other emotion is discovered to be lurking within.
If we allow God to remove those weeds by the roots, they won't reoccur but if we simply mow them down, then shame and guilt are sure to follow the person as they wonder why they can't ever let go.
It takes more than a decision. It takes the deep work of the Holy Spirit and the choice of the survivor to follow Him.
I agree strongly with you that to move on requires the resolution you described, but I know for myself that trying to do that on the outside did not work. Deep wounds must often heal from the bottom up. I surrounded myself with people who understood that need and supported me as I grew. Much of my wounding is now healed, but occasionally I still bleed. I bleed because as God cleans out what is still not healed blood flows. If I close the wound prematurely, the blood will stop, but infection will set in and always remain festering under the surface.
Over time I have learned to have patience with myself and the process. I had to unlearn some ways of managing myself and then learn new ones. It is so much more complicated than just making a choice.
Di
I never meant to imply that it was a simple choice and should be able to happen quickly. It is a life time experience of growth. Nothing should be swept under the rug and the elephant should not be ignored. I was mainly suggesting changing the focus away from being victim to being resilient. If you strive to not be a victim, you are still focused on not being a victim, if you strive to be a thriver, then you are focused on striving. Sometimes a change of attitude or mind set can make a difference.
You seem to be far into your therapy and have succeeded at overcoming much or your past.
Kathy
Also, you have very long word verifications. I think that is a good thing in this instance because of your subject matter. You are wise to have it. I just need to be enrolled in remedial wv reading.
The long word verifications are just whatever they throw out there. I don't choose them but I do type them wrong myself at times. :-)
Thanks for the clarification, Kathy.
My therapist says something like this: "Just surrender to it." He doesn't mean to surrender to the victim state but just don't fight it so hard - which is the same as what you said. As long as your focus is on what you want to leave behind, you can't leave it behind.
My response to your last comment was out of concern for those who may check the blog and not understand that it takes a long time to get to this place. And it is ok if they aren't there. It is ok if they never get there. It is just ok to be where you are.
It is ok to be.
Di
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