Letting go is not going to be easy. For years the abuse dealt with me. In my dealing with it, I gained some semblance of control. I also gained a sense of being special - sort of a sick sense but when one seeks to feel special, it can be amazing how it doesn't really matter why you feel special. As a survivor, I have been a "special" client and often heard that "Not many go this deep or have this courage." As I disentangled my identity from being a victim and changed it to being a survivor, the abuse was nevertheless central to my identity.
At times like the last few months, it has been more obvious, more in control, more upfront and in my face. It has to be for me to deal with it at this depth, but I am aware that a time approaches when I will need to lay something down and leave it behind.
How do I move on to a place in which it does not define me or confine me without leaving behind a ministry I believe God has called me to? This sounds like the tight rope once again.
I first made a choice in October to defeat the confines the abuse still had on my life. For 5 years I had avoided church and certainly would not have considered the same denomination in which the abuse occured as a possible church home. But now I am there and it is only with a great deal of determination that I made it through the 3 or 4 months that followed. Slowly the knowledge that I had to face Bob settled in and I began this process. I don't know yet whether I will have that opportunity face to face or if the phone will be the best I am given.
One way or the other, I will soon be full cycle. By the second week in June or perhaps sooner, I will have talked with Bob and finished the cycle I began 34 years ago. What will I do then? Who will I be? I can't completely leave it behind because I have become who I am through the pain. But who I am transcends all of that.
I get the feeling that this new road will be challenging in itself. People get stuck in a victim mentality. I wonder if it is going to be hard for me to not get stuck there? I can see the road up ahead. I wonder what lies around the bend?
Di
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12 comments:
Di,
Healing is a long road. Nothing quick about it. Sadly something that happened so long ago can still effect on so deeply. You are very strong. You amaze me with your strength. Continue to rely on God.
I am very proud of you. I believe it is a sign of true healing when we can look beyond our pain and wounded spirits and see that we can use this horrible experience to help, to minister, to bring about healing in the lives of others.
I am praying for you
Peace
Neva
Di,
I was very stuck in the mode of 'victim', forever; or maybe it just seemed like forever. I don't know how I would have ever gotten past the comfort and idenity of being a victim if God hadn't pushed me across the line with my cancer. Cancer was such a blessing in so many ways. Maybe if I hadn't been so hard headed, and determined to enjoy my victim status it wouldn't have taken such a jolt to get me moving.
Hang in there dear friend,
Monalea
Monolea, can you explain how the cancer jolted you out of victim mentality?
Di
Trey, without the amazing ways God has woven healing into my life, I would be in some heap somewhere totally without strength.
Neva, as always thank you.
Di
My first response is to say, "You go girl", but I want to challenge/ encourage you to think about some things that I am sure you have already thought of:
The meeting may still leave unresolved issues. Be prepared (through your therapist) for this. You can't live in a what if world, but you can think ahead of that meeting. Write down, pray about, really contemplate what you are truly wanting to come out of that meeting. Have goals, have a list of questions or comments, be prepared. Be ready to listen; to receive the answers with out any blinders on. (His perception is truth to him although it my not be truth to you.) You seem to have a good grip on being able to handle emotions and anger, but continue to pray about that.
If you come out of the meeting continuing to feel like a victim, what is your next step? It might even be good to decide today that you are no longer going to be a victim to anything that life gives you. You do have the power through God to choose that at anytime. He will give you strength and courage.
If the meeting never happens, what could you do to get resolution anyway?
You seem to be growing by leaps and bounds. I applaud your progress and I know God will bless you on your long road.
You will be in my prayers.
Kathy
Kathy thanks for your thoughts and challenges. I like challenges. I challenge myself quite a lot and someone else's perspective is always different.
You said "The meeting may still leave unresolved issues." No doubt. I don't think I have any preconceived notions of what to even expect when I call him back.
I think all along I have been so sure that this was God, that I haven't had to know exactly what it was that I needed - however I have already written a post on what I want to say and ask - some of which I now know from our phone conversation.
The meeting isn't a fix all. I know better than to put that expectation on myself. But it does seem to close the circle at least on what I can do for myself. I have had therapy and will continue it. I have worked hard at lots of areas that the abuse affected in my life. I have forgiven. I have reported Bob and now contacted him.
I think mostly I will want to turn and face God and say, "The rest is up to you." I think perhaps rest awaits me. There is little else I can do outwardly. Rest, sounds like a good start.
As far as my primary goal - to be me and not let Bob define me, I think that has already happened and can even be a more powerful experience face to face.
What you said, Kathy, about not being a victim in my mind with any situations and deciding to not be that now -how exactly do I do that and it be real and deep? How does one fully accept who they have become through all the pain and struggle without bringing with it the identity of a victim? They are so closely associated.
What thoughts do I change? What behaviors do I discard? Exactly HOW do I get from point A to point Z?
Have I not already made that decision to not remain a victim by my actions in returning to the denomination of my youth and confronting Bob? Or have I used this stage to feed my need to remain the victim and get the sense of being special that comes with it? Or both?
I can grit my teeth and make that decision, but I am not sure it will really change me from the inside out. It seems to work better for me to change from the inside first. I have a feeling this is going to be a two step forward, one step backward kind of growth.
I can completely put it all aside and get myself out of situations that push my buttons and my focus will no longer be on the abuse. However, that does not mean that I am not still functioning in a victim dynamic in my other relationships.
You sure ask hard questions! :-) As to the last one - I think the phone call brought a lot of resolution. My immediate feeling afterwards was that I now knew the answer to many questions that had continued to haunt me. I hope I will be able to let Bob go.
Also, I may take a little more of a political role and ask to speak with the ministerial state committee about requiring those caught in situations of misconduct to be psychologically tested and they be required to undergo therapy. I may take a little rest first though.
Thanks for the questions. I think they will keep me chewing for a while.
Di
I think confronting him is a way of stepping out of the victim role. See yourself as an equal not a sinned against young lady.
I see thinking of yourself as a victim much the same as being an alcoholic. One day you have to decide that you are going to recover from that and just do it. You get up every morning and you tell yourself, I am no longer a victim to anyone or anything. Your actions and thought patterns through out that day should support that. If you fail by noticing yourself as a victim then just think about how a non victim would react. One day, you will find yourself not thinking through victim glasses. This is definately a subject to talk to your therapist about.
I think it is key to ending the cycle in your life. You are not responsible for how that cycle was started, but you are responsible for ending it in a healthy way.
Sorry about the hard questions. You can only imagine what I ask to James. You can pray for him.
Praying that you find peace in all of this.
Kathy
Kathy, do not apologize. This is good and I am ready and when others in my place read this, it will be a good thing.
So, keep up the hard questions. Do you have some training in hard questions? I hear some from somewhere.
Diane
What do you mean by "I hear some from somewhere"?
I do not have training in hard questions except for from life. It helps me to understand. I have always found it easier to ask people questions rather than give answers. Maybe I should be a game show host...
Kathy
How about a new reality version of "To Tell the Truth". You would have those contestants squirming!
Di
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