Facing Truth

Like truth, this picture is both intriguing and unsettling. My eyes can't figure what to focus on and my brain fights to find someway to digest it. It might be easier to move on and see what else I find to view, but then I find myself coming back more intrigued.

I must have been prophetic last night when I wrote about truth, because this evening I have a dose of truth to face and like this picture it draws me, but also makes me uncomfortable. It is not easy to look at, and bringing it into focus and cataloguing it somewhere in my brain requires work.

As I shared with my husband the "Why?" question that I want to ask Bob, I was faced with the possibility that he might very well answer, "Because you wanted it."

If he were to say such an assinine thing, I would reply, "Part of me did want it, but not only was I a child, but you were an adult responsible for my growth and care. Neither of which did your behavior display."

But, I am choosing tonight to look at myself, not Bob. The truth is that I did want it. I didn't want to be hurt or used, but I wanted the attention and to be special and I was willing to sacrifice what I knew was right for the immediacy of those feelings.

Don't confuse this honesty with any type of condoning of his behavior. It was abuse. No excuses made. Yet, if I choose to look at the whole truth, and to find my total healing I believe I must, then I must face the fact that I did want it.

After years of asking myself, "What is wrong with me?" facing the fact that something was "wrong with me" is confusing and difficult to wrap my mind around. I have fought to stop that question and replace it with truth, but more truth lingers around the edges.

When I was 14, my dearest cousin came to spend a week of the summer with me. Later I would spend a week at her house. We were close. One night as we talked as only girls of that age can talk when the lights are out, my cousin revealed something painful to me. Her brother in law was molesting her. I listened and then I advised, "Tell him if he won't stop, you will tell your parents." Not bad for a 14 year old, but that isn't where my mind was already racing. Much to my present shame, I rolled over and starting planning how I could invoke such attention. And that is exactly what I did the next several times I saw him. I got small doses of what I asked for and then when things advanced further than I wanted, I cried to God to get me out of it.

Why would anyone in their right mind seek molestation? Well, it wasn't abuse I wanted, but attention and to be special and sex is an avenue for such. Yet, I didn't care how I got it. Neither did I understand the damage it would cause me. I had this insatiable desire for attention and affirmation - the reason will have to wait for another post. That same longing and hunger has followed me to the present. I still feel it, though I am not driven to seek for it in unhealthy ways.

When I met Bob, the longing was very alive inside of me. I wanted his attention. What I had of it was intoxicating and soon became an addiction. Like the confusing picture above, truth was in front of my eyes, but it was not comfortable and I chose to look away. I willingly accepted Bob's advances. I made choices. I thought like a child but I still made choices. Choices that hurt me.

So tonight I walk that tightrope of facing truth and accepting my 17 year old self.

Oh, the picture is the reflection of a tree in the water, only the water is being blown by the wind and the straight line reflection of the tree is being warped and reflected by the small ripples and waves that distort the "mirror". Perhaps with that truth, you can see it for what it is, and appreciate its details.