Emotions and a Response

The past several days have been busy with 7th graders and labs. The evenings have been emotional. Though I tried to sit and compose my reply to Reg, I found I could not. I could not write a post either. Finally last night, I let all the anger come to the surface. I thought I was going to explode. Then with the anger readily available, I worked on what was my stuff and what was Reg's.

Interestingly, earlier in the day, I had spoken to one of my students who had received the brunt of some bullying in my homeroom class. He was in tears. As I comforted him, I heard myself teaching: Greg, I want you to think about this. When someone treats you like that, it is not a statement about who you are, but rather a very loud statement about who they are. What the other boys did does not define you Greg, but rather it says a lot about Tom and Jack. I could see his wheels turning.

And so also did mine last night. I had to unload the gun. I was ready to fire. When I am that angry, it is usually because I am letting someone else have more power in my life than they deserve. I arose from bed this morning able to write for the first time in days. Rather than calling Reg the names I wanted to call him last night, I was able to compose a first draft that is clear if not concise.

I reiterated my feelings on sharing with the ministerial leaders of the state.

"I have decided that in some way, my voice will be heard by the leadership of the Church. My desire is that this would happen in a similar setting and atmosphere as my conversation with you occurred. I desire to sit down and work with the (leaders of the state) as an invited individual with important experiences and strategies to suggest. I would love to be involved with a task force that is looking at and forming a newly revised policy. I am offering to give rather than to take. This is something few victims can do or would offer to do."

As you can see, I added a little more umph to my appeal.

In Reg's response to me, he informed me that it was in the file that I had agreed to the monitoring being set up on Bob. This was news to me, but as I thought about it, I did remember the previous minister pressing me as to my verbal response to his informing me that some type of monitoring would occur. I was not happy that he was unwilling to inform me of the details but in the moment of a phone call, I simply replied "ok". My tone was hesitant. I only gave the ok as I was pushed to do so.

I told Reg of this memory and shock that something so informal and of which I was totally unaware of it being viewed official was in the file. I feel as if I was tricked into something I was unaware of.

"I remember being told that some type of monitoring would occur. I was not given any detail, even though I questioned it, nor was it suggested that I had the right to disagree with the decision. I was unaware that my “ok” was being interpreted as giving my approval. I do remember some intensity on TN’s part, over the phone, to get me to give some sense of agreement, though at the time I was reticent and in the present this seems one more use of a pastor’s power to get what they need at my expense. Let me just reiterate that I was unaware that my opinion carried any weight or purpose. I feel now that I was coerced into giving a weak statement of agreement that was then recorded as something I did not even know I had given."

As you can see this is not something I want to see in the denomination I attend. Pure out and out deceit on their part or at least on the part of one man who attempted to run the whole show. Now, I am beginning to expect it. Shut the victims up and get through this as quickly and painlessly as possible seems to be the "justice" of the church.

I am hearing it once again from another regional minister. "No, you may not speak," is being spoken again. It will only require one more "no" for them to discover my "yes" is much louder.

I repeat - sadly but determined. I will not be silenced. Truth will prevail. Truth will be heard. It will be their decision as to whether they choose to embrace it but they will hear it. Let them face their God with their fingers in their ears, if they choose. However, they cannot defeat truth as long as our God lives.