For decades shame had a powerful hold over my life. Still, if I find myself struggling I immediately look for the shame and usually I discover another pocket of the foul stuff eating away at me in some undealt with area. I hated the part of myself that allowed me to be abused. I didn’t realize how much I hated until one evening I sat at my desk visualizing a scenario my therapist had suggested. I was working on loving the infant within me and visualizing the adult me giving the infant the nurture she needed. This is my account:I was sitting where I am sitting now, in a small bedroom in our small house with
a computer and desk. I was practicing. In my mind I picked up the infant that was starving for nurture, ready to hold her and give her what she needed. Only this time, I felt anger and revulsion. Grabbing her by her feet, I swung her flaccid body against the concrete wall of my mind. In that waking foggy moment, I mutilated her, watching her blood run down the wall, witnessing it splatter across the room, seeing her skin shred and stick, hearing the crack of her skull. Over and over I beat her until she was unrecognizable.
The infant, unable to offer any care of itself is the perfect picture of need. I hated my neediness. Yet, I was full of it. I hated it because this vast yearning for specialness and care had driven me to more and more dependency on people. It was the reason I had been such easy prey for abuse. Most of the time I could hide it, but inside I wanted affirmation and approval with such intensity that only one thing stopped me from selling my soul - selling my soul had only made me worse.
The more I hated this neediness of mine, the more neediness rose up in me, and the more needy I felt the more I hated it. I had become a basket of emotional chaos and pain.
The scripture doesn’t talk a lot about self love and that bothers me, and yet without it how can we love our neighbors as ourselves?
The more I hated this neediness of mine, the more neediness rose up in me, and the more needy I felt the more I hated it. I had become a basket of emotional chaos and pain.
The scripture doesn’t talk a lot about self love and that bothers me, and yet without it how can we love our neighbors as ourselves?
Why is it that a principle that seems so important is so missing in scripture? Or is it there and am I just not familiar with it? Why is it that I had to learn this in a secular therapist's office rather than in church? Why are so many churches afraid of this concept and consider it humanism?
I tried to heal within the walls of the church but I found my healing in the office of an agnostic therapist? Why? Why couldn't I learn this in church?
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2 comments:
Di,
In our society we've spent a lot of time not building others up. The church isn't any different. We often time thing we'll "give someone the big-head" if we say nice things about them. OR they'll get "to big for their britches."
The Bible is actually FULL of verses that tell us that we are to build one another up. But we haven't.
The Bible is also full of the concept of reasons to love yourself. Just like the verse you quoted, "Love your neighbor as yourself," our nature is to love ourselves. We are by nature self-lovers. Even Paul told husbands, "Love your wives has you love your own body."
The biggest concept is the cross. You were loved enough that God sent Jesus to die for you. That should build self worth in you. I believe the bible teaches that even if you'd been the only person EVER on earth, God would have still sent Jesus to die for you. That's love.
I must be worth something.
Trey, I have been thinking about your reply. Yes, God tells us of our worth in the cross. But for me that did not bridge the gap over to my telling myself my worth.
I believed God loved me and accepted me and did not desire for me to live in shame; however, I did not understand the need for me to love myself and how to obtain that.
It seems to me that the church should teach the nit and grit of what I have learned in therapy but I have a hard time backing it with scripture.
I have heard many comments on the humanistic focus of secualr counseling and to fear the concepts I have learned.
There is more on denying oneself and little on loving oneself and caring for oneself. Yet, I do not think a person can actually deny oneself without the proper care or love for themselves - at least not for very long.
Why are these concepts not in the Bible? Is there some kind of historical or cultural reason?
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