An Advocate for Tougher Policies

The advocate today was me. For the first time I filled the dual role of advocate and victim. Though I would be more politically correct to call myself a survivor, there are times like today that the victim status gets in my face and seems appropriate. At two points in the meeting, Reg, apologized and talked of my pain and during those two periods tears filled my eyes and pain clinched my throat. I felt the victim. I felt vulnerable.

Sandwiched in the middle of those times, I stood my ground and argued my case and there were periods during which I was very determined in my argument. I was glad to see I had the ability to stand firmly for my beliefs. The advocate came out loud and clear.

One of those arguments (as in a lawyer arguing her case) is my belief that mandatory psychological testing should be required of any pastor accused of misconduct. Reg, wondered aloud if the testing should be a part of the investigation process or if it would be better to reserve it for a later period. The concept of mandatory testing seemed to make him uncomfortable. I insisted it was necessary as part of the investigation. Frequently, during the hour and a half, I had an opportunity to point out this fact. I argued my case well.

Reg seemed willing to agree with me that there seemed little to be accomplished by keeping findings, discipline, or future monitoring methods from the victim. They were kept from me and resulted in a lack of closure. I read this paragraph to Reg:

"It is recognized that justice, as referred to on pg. 3, as a desired goal of implementation of the policy, can only be served to the victim(s) as they are allowed open access to the results of their report. In reporting abuse, a victim seeks to achieve justice, regain power and control, and to prevent further abuse. Control has been taken from the victim in the form of the sexual exploitation or abuse. The (leadership of the) Church should take all steps possible to return control to the victim and honor their purposes in coming forward. This includes open disclosure of the investigation’s findings, disciplinary measures enacted, and any future monitoring of the accused. Without open disclosure the victim cannot be assured that the accused will not abuse
again and a sense of closure cannot be obtained."

I like that paragraph. It sounds strong and powerful.

The third primary issue is my desire to always allow the victim the opportunity to plead his/her case at the Disciplinary Hearing. Ray admits the policy describing a disciplinary hearing is lacking - it does not exist, so one could not have occured in my case.

The positives of the meeting are:

• I was heard.


• Reg agreed to review all I had written.


• Reg will get back with me as to what he agrees with or disagrees with.


• Reg agreed to consider my requests.


• Reg will look into my folder and tell me the answers he feels he can offer me. If he cannot give me an answer for a reason he is unaware of in the present, he will tell me why he cannot give me the answer.


• Reg promised that the region would address some changes to the policy.


• Reg seemed disturbed that I never obtained a sense of closure due to the way the original report was handled.


• Reg winced noticeably at my statement that Bob was read my full statement but I was not allowed to know his statement, and this led me to a further sense of victimization.


• Reg apologized and tears filled his eyes over my pain on two occasions. In this he showed far more remorse than Bob.

The negatives of the meeting are:

• Reg seemed to have a hard time embracing the thought of mandatory psychological testing of all misconduct perpetrators.


• Reg seemed to have a difficult time believing my assessment of Bob and on several occasions verbalized his attempts to mentally come to grips with the concept of Bob being a true sociopath.

Tomorrow and the following days, I will try to give some further details of my own thoughts and feelings as well as details of the meeting. Overall, I would rate it a 7 on a scale of 10. My hope is that my rating will fall low in reality of what comes from the meeting.

I feel a hodge-podge of emotion. Relief. Gratitude. Anger. Frustration. Pain. Sadness. Hope.

Hope is the scariest of all because "Hope deferred makes the heart sick." That is somewhere in Proverbs and I am too tired to look it up.

Thanks for your prayers.

Di