My Agenda with My Perpetrator

I have 4 basic items on my agenda to work through with Bob.















1. Internal Work:

• To give myself a few moments to think and recognize that he is sitting across from me and HE is the perpetrator and not everyone else I transfer onto. Then, I intend to recognize my own ability to keep myself safe and healthy. I can focus on the fact that I now have boundaries. My sitting with him in this meeting is saying "NO! No, you will not hurt me again. No, I do not need your approval. No, I do not need your acceptance. No, I do not want to sleep with you. No, I do not love you. No, I do not want your attention."

2. External Work:

• To say some of the above, especially the "No!" part. I can frame it with the fact that I could not say no to him when I was 17. I can say "No!" now and I am going to take the opportunity to do so.


• To tell him how his abuse affected my life. I want to include the shame, self-hatred that especially focussed on the part of myself that was needy, loss of esteem, anxiety disorder, life course change, perfectionism, emotional turmoil, issues with authority, etc.


• To tell him some of the memories that hurt me the most.

This external work is my way of finding my voice, the voice I did not have at 17 - the voice that was silenced by Bob's power and cunning.

I am nervous as I wait the remaining hours. I will see him tomorrow. I feel such ambivalence. The child is evident as I work to stay the adult. I can feel some of the old attention and approval issues inside of me. Part of me wants to sweep it all under the carpet and just talk and catch up. Such odd things to be feeling the night before I confront my abuser. I will be sitting in the room with the man who lifted my chin and kissed me, the man who used his own penis to teach me what felt good, the man who said, "It is sterile and people just swallow it.", the man who tried to get me to sleep with his best friend, the man who rubbed my face in the dirt over and over, the man who used his hands to bring me to an orgasm, the man who took my virginity, the man who told me I could not have his affection without the sex since we had already crossed that line, the man who accused me of being in love with a penis because I tried to entice a friend of his into bed with me, the man whose arms I flew into and thought I was becoming a woman, the man who as my youth pastor, who at the age of 32 had sex with me as a 17 year old.

I will see him tomorrow and I hope the adult shows up.