Facing My Abuser

Today began with a cool morning and an attempt to keep my mind off the afternoon. I tried to work on the house some but found I did not have much of a heart to do so. I piddled around with sanding and priming but finally gave up and showered and dressed. Hubby and I had talked last night about what I was going to wear and while he wanted me to dress professionally in order to express more power, I chose something nice but more casual. Nice capri pants, blue short sleeve sweater, and a nice shirt over it. I dressed to represent who I am.

Once I was dressed and had my make-up on, I told mom I was off to meet some teachers for lunch and stuff. As ministers they all three have taught. I left and got a hamburger which I surprised myself with being able to eat. Then I headed over to the church 45 minutes early. I couldn't do anything else so I decided I would occupy myself in the sanctuary for a while.

Father God and I had a good talk. I kneeled at the front and acknowledged His work in my life, committed the afternoon to his hand, and turned Bob over to Him. Then I took a song book out and flipped through it singing as I went. I must have sung about 20 songs by the time I heard Tom looking for me and calling me from the hallway. In that time, I had connected with the Holy Spirit in a wonderfully peaceful way. I was ready.

Tom and I sat in the front secretary's office and talked for a couple of minutes when we were joined by my husband who gave me a big kiss and plopped down beside me. I left briefly to take a trip to the restroom and detoured by the room we were going to meet in and arranged the chairs just like I wanted them. Tom teased me about having them just right. Interestingly when we went in later, everyone ended up right where I needed everyone to sit.

Before they arrived, Tom, Robin and I prayed together with me teasing Tom that pastors always ask, "Should WE pray," but then do all the praying themselves. So he let us go first and when he finished I told him next time I wanted to go last for the same reason. Pastors always have to say the "Amen". We all laughed. It was a good tension breaker.

Bob and Michael arrived right at two o'clock and excused themselves to the men's room. We then guided them to the parlor and sat down. Bob had aged since I saw him 9 years ago. He had gained about 50 pounds and turned gray. I felt less intimidated seeing him look his age of 67. He was obviously nervous. His face was blank and gray and later Tom described his affect as flat.

We sat and Tom suggested we open with prayer. I opened my eyes to all the men all looking at me and laughingly said, "You are all looking at me." Bob replied and smiled, "You asked for the meeting." I smiled and began by telling them why I wanted this meeting. I told them that at first I could not put the reason into words but I knew it was God. Gradually I came to realize that I needed two things. One, to sit in the same room with Bob, who had abused me, and to have my safe boundaries, and care for myself, be the adult and to care for the child inside, not looking for Bob's approval or attention. Second, I needed to share my voice, that I could not or did not have as a 17 year old.

I continued on by saying I wanted to first share the effects that the abuse had on my life. Rather than going into all I said, I suggest you read my post on The Legacy of Pastoral Sexual Abuse. Though I did not use all the same words, the message was the same. As Tom later stated, I was direct but kind. Throughout the time, my emotions were there but they seemed legitimate and appropriate for the setting and could not have been viewed as manipulative. I teared up a couple of times, stopped to get some eye contact from Tom on three occasions, which he did a great job of giving, and moved on. Twice I teared up with comments Michael made and my lip and chin trembled until I bit it. It was important to me to be honest with my feelings and not stifled, but neither did I want to give Bob the power that would come from me regressing into the child. I think I managed an almost perfect balance.

As I shared the effects of the abuse, I told of my beginning to attend the church. I shared how all the crap came flying out of me and I had to decide if I wanted to stop coming or face it squarely with Tom. I chose the latter. I talked about the greatest anger I had felt through the years being during that time of emotional turmoil as I realized the abuse was still eating my cake 34 years later. As I worked through it, I shared, I came to the day when I knew I had forgiven Bob. Up on the trail behind the church I marked that milestone with stones I have piled up. I went on to explain that forgiveness is not just something we give others but something we have become. It was a miraculous step for me to reach a place of forgiveness.

At this point I told Bob that I could continue on or I could give him a chance to respond to what I had said. He chose to respond. He began with saying he had really been on edge over this happening and that he felt as if he had a basketball down in his gut as they left this morning to drive over. (I wanted to yell, YES!!! Finally, I have the power. But, I didn't even let on that it felt so good to know this.) Bob told me that he was there because he wanted to help me finish my healing and that he cared about me. His voice was level but lighter as he expressed his gratitude for the forgiveness. He went on to explain himself by saying that during the time of our relationship, he did not see himself as my pastor. At this point, I looked at Michael out the corner of my eye, he hung his head and shook it as if he could not believe Bob was saying this. I began to expect that Michael was going to be a major asset in the meeting and that is what he proved to be.

As Bob continued to talk about all the things we did together he shared that his memory was of the sex growing out of the tremendous friendship we shared. This was a perfect jumping off place for me to share my version of the start of the abuse. I knew Bob had heard it. Tom had heard it. I knew it, but Michael was not privy to the information before today. I wanted Michael to hear the degree of predation his father-in-law had functioned in.

I told of the kiss on the second day, of oral sex on the 4th day, and of intercourse by week 3. Bob held on to his views and denied the truth of mine throughout the meeting. I encouraged him to hold this out before God, because I truly believed that truth could bring only healing and wholeness to his life. While he denied that there was any reason to believe one versus the other version, I pointed out that my version was much more predatory than his. I questioned his level of denial and he seemed shocked that I would use his name and the word denial in the same sentence.

I pointed out to Bob that his appearing at my brother's funeral and inviting me to visit him spoke of a rather large amount of denial. Bob explained that there were so many other things we shared and that I was essentially a part of his family during that year's time (that kind of makes me sick feeling) and that was what he was focussing on when he invited me to his home. He stated that at the time, he did not realize the impact this had on my life.

However, I went on to challenge him with the fact that as a pastor, he had to have attended those seminars where they talk about the damage done by this type of relationship. It seemed to me that it was only through denial that he could not have connected the two.

Whenever I challenged him this way, he just looked at me and did not answer. I had forgotten that Bob only had sight in one eye and the other looks slightly to the right so I looked back into his good eye with what I hoped was truth but peace from my heart.

I asked Bob what he remembered about the sex and he replied that it began after a youth lock-in we had at the church. We had all danced that night and I had danced extra close to him during one dance. (Duh! I had been sleeping with him for 4 or 5 months by then.) He took me home the next morning but had to return to his office to get something and it was then that he kissed me. He remembered the oral sex and that it occured in the living room, as many did but the first time was actually in the den on their sofa. He also remembered the intercourse but the time I lowered myself onto him, in his memory was the time he ejaculated in me.

I had asked him earlier if he remembered one time when I thought I might be pregnant. His answer was no. I asked him if he remembered how we avoided the issue of my becoming pregnant and he replied that he only ejaculated in me one time and that was 3 days after my period. Wow, now that is specific. I had to wonder how he remembered that detail while having forgotten all the other.

I shared my memory of his setting me up with Charlie and that was the one time he became defensive. He recognized what that would be saying about himself and he denied it fully. However, Charlie seemed to think it was arranged for sex and I left it there. It is odd that he recognizes and defends himself on that issue while not on the others.

I talked of sex in the woods on the way to some friends house, of sex in his tent with another man in the tent (I used my hand to bring him to an orgasm), of sex in the state office. None of those sparked a response. He acted surprised but did not verbally deny them.

I asked Bob what the commision on ministry had done in response to my report. Bob said that he had met 2 or 3 times with the regional minister at the time and his wife but that he was not aware of any follow up. He said that he finished out his ministry and retired as soon as he reached retirement age but denied that he had been pressured to do so. Bob told me that every region he had ministered in was contacted but no one else came forward with a negative report.

Twice during the conversation, Michael, who besides being Bob's son-in-law is also works on the state level, spoke his own input. His voice was clear and kind and gentle and his acknowledgement of my pain seemed very real. His apology and concern for me were far more legitimate sounding than Bob's. Tom had spoken highly of Michael and I found my heart opening to him. Michael acknowledged that God was obviously with me and he was grateful to have been invited to participate in this part of my healing. He explained to me what it meant for a pastor's file to be left open. It is forever and always in the regional ministers personal file cabinet and will be passed on and reviewed by each subsequent minister.

Then, Michael went on to say that he was sorry that there truly was no justice in this situation. That was when I cried. Can you believe that. I believe he really meant it. He aknowledged to me that there was no justice and then he said he was sorry. I just realized how powerful that was for me to hear. Michael continued to offer to be of any assistance that he could be to me and for me to call him if he could help me further. That is an option I may very well explore.

I asked Bob and Michael how their wives were handling this. Bob replied first that his was anxious and wanted closure so she could quit dreaming about it. That is evidently why the time table was moved up. Michael said that his was angry, not at me but at the situation, that she is 7 months pregnant and very emotional. She won't talk with Michael about this in the same way they talk about everything else. That has concerned Michael. As I listened to that, I had a thought. It might not be true at all but I gave my input anyway. I asked him to tell her, for me, that it isn't something we do logically, but sometimes we pick up the shame from something like this and for her to please not do that. The lightbulb seemed to come on for Michael. Maybe it will help.

Bob, in response to my question as to what his wife might need from me to relieve the anxiety, replied "an assurance that the phone wouldn't ring again and they wouldn't have to deal with this one more time." In his statement I once again heard him blaming me for his wife and daughter's discomfort. I did not hear, "I am sorry I caused them this pain." I replied to Bob that as far as I knew, I didn't think there was anything else he could offer me. That I could not imagine any purpose in another phone call, but I had to take care of myself first and I couldn't promise that and put a stamp and seal on it.

By this point, I had eliminated everything on my note cards but one item. One bomb. I told them I hate to go here but I needed to. I looked at Bob and asked him if he had ever told his wife that he had slept with anyone else besides me. He replied firmly, "No." I looked him in the eye and asked what about Barbara? Very animatedly he replied to the negative again. I continued to look him in the eye and I said, "Bob, I think you and I know that is not true." He said nothing else but continued to look at me with the dark, dark eye. Then he asked, what makes you so sure of that statement. I offered, "You told me you slept with her." "I said to you that I slept with her?" he asked with disbelief. "Yes, and you spent every afternoon at her house and a man at the church caught the two of you embracing intimately and he told Tom Neal about it." Quiet and an intense stare met me. I continued, "Bob, it really doesn't matter as far as I am concerned, your wife certainly does not need to know or be hurt by this, but I wanted to give you a chance to come clean".

Quietness filled the room as neither one of us replied. I simply looked to Tom for a little comfort and eye contact. I told Tom, that was all I had, that I had emptied my heart. Michael looked at Bob and asked him if he was finished. Bob replied in the positive, he was obviously shaken however after my confrontation over Barbara. Michael then asked to talk with Bob for a moment before we finished.

We left briefly and I talked with my husband and told him what he could see, I was doing well inside. His support of me through this has been awesome. I told Tom that I thought Michael was believing me and seeing some things he had not before. Tom agreed. We were quickly invited back. I was pretty sure that Michael had nudged Bob to say he was sorry, as he had not done so, and that is what occured.

Bob told me he was sorry, sorry it had happened, sorry I had spent my life dealing with it. Then he almost said what I really wanted to hear. He said "It was wrong." One step further would have been, "I was wrong," but the other 3 words were probably the biggest step he was capable of taking. Bob went on to say that he was glad I had a husband who supported me and a pastor who cared and was the type of pastor he was. He seemed to be saying that he was glad Tom had the integrity that he, Bob, had lacked.

We ended in prayer, all of us holding hands. I have no idea what Tom prayed but when he finished, I reached across the circle and offered my hand to Bob. He took it and shook it and looked me in the eye. That may seem an odd ending for me, but I needed to touch the hands that had abused me. I needed to touch them and still maintain my boundaries and stand for truth. My prayer is that hand shake will shake his heart until truth reigns there as well.