Feelings About Facing my Abuser

Yesterday I faced him. Last night I dreamed about it and woke up tense. Today I thought about it.

During the night I woke and felt horror as I couldn't get that dark, dark angry eye out of my mind. The way he looked at me after I challenged him on the Barbara issue was quite threatening or was it pleading or perhaps both.

I feel sad that Bob could not come clean and be honest or even move one tiny step in that direction. I truly want nothing worse than repentance for him.

Relief and a smile floods over my face every now and then when I realize it is finished. "It is finished." The cycle is complete.

Tenderness floods my heart as I think of the support of my sweet husband.

As I remember the comfort and encouragement in his eyes yesterday, I am filled with gratitude for my present pastor and for his integrity.

I feel safe with Tom and part of that safety is in his solid relationship with his wife. I haven't mentioned her much but she is there strong and supportive of his ministry and she offered her prayers for us yesterday as we met.

I am thrilled that yesterday I spoke truth and did not let anyone's acceptance of me hinder what I needed to say.

I am awed by Michael's support of me and invitation to contact him. I am anxious to hear a reply to my email I sent him.

I am in wonder as I think of Bob's comment that he was glad Tom was the kind of pastor he was. It sounded as if he was suggesting that Tom was different than he had been and he was glad. That seemed sincere and gave me hope that inside perhaps he has changed but maybe the past is so full of crap that he just can't pull his thumb out of the dike lest it all wash him away.

I am curious as to what must have happened when Bob and Michael arrived home to their wives. I prayed for them yesterday evening and will keep them on my prayer list.

I am hopeful that maybe I can work through enough to actually join this church I have been attending.

I feel courageous and ready to take up my lance and charge the enemy - wherever they are.

I am very proud of myself and rather full of admiration for what I did.

I feel strong now that I have taken back my voice and sounded it to 3 ministers in the same room. I have faced the enemy and found 2 to be my friends.

I trust myself to know my needs and to seek the road that life has given me.

I am eager to have the opportunity to talk to Cheryl once she gets back in town. I believe a hug would feel real good next week if she can find time for one. And a high five. And a YES! And a big smile and maybe we should dance a while too.

I am grieved that the wives have to hurt through this. It seems the women are the ones that are hurting and I hate that. I want to tell them to hold their heads up high and trust God enough to face the truth and love him any way.

I feel tired of all the intensity of feelings! So much to process emotionally.